The PUA community contains many almost religious-like mantras like “any guy can get any girl,” “it’s all about game,” “girls only care about the alpha,” etc… These mantras are not technically true but they are good for people to believe anyway, especially if the person has a history of low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety.
One of the most pernicious dogmas in the PUA community is that the cure for “oneitis” is “abundance mentality.” PUAs will tell you that if you are stuck on one girl all you need to do is fuck 10 other girls and you will completely forget about her. This may be true for a girl you’ve talked to for 10 minutes, but if you have actually established an emotional connection with a girl, it is not that easy.
Here is the truth about oneitis – some girls are just awesome and you will not forget them. Some girls are ambitious, intelligent, interesting, loving, cool, funny, etc…, and you can fuck 100 girls and not get over them. There is always a chance you will find a better girl or one that is equal, but you also may not. Think about it logically – not every girl you find is going to be better than the last girl, it’s not logically possible.
The key to overcoming oneitis isn’t to “go fuck 10 other girls” – it is to build a life where your validation is not based on whether or not girls like you. Now, this is much easier said than done. We live in a society that basically teaches us at every turn that a man’s value is tied to how hot of girls he fucks (and also, unfortunately, how shitty he treats them). In almost every city if you show up to a club with a group of hot girls not only will the girls be nicer to you, so will the guys. I have had “friends” who thought I was a complete dork until they saw me with some hot girl and now they think I’m a cool guy. In every movie the ultimate pinnacle for the man is to the get the girl. Even when he defeats the bad guy, or wins the karate competition, or passes the big test, his “prize” is the girl. In “romance” movies the guy always says some corny shit like “I would die for you,” blah blah blah. One of my best friends is getting married and he posted on his facebook that his fiancé was “his reason for waking up in the morning.” I almost gagged. Does that mean if she leaves him he has to kill himself?
It is also hard to not women rule your soul because some of your most powerful emotions are relationship/romantic ones. Nothing affects a man’s ego like getting rejecting by a woman and a lot of oneitis and “love” is just the ego not being able to accept that somebody said YOU are not good enough. When somebody is constantly complimenting you, looking deep into your eyes, and going out of their way to do things for you, its hard to not buy into that dream and let it affect you.
This is completely fucking wrong and we have to completely remove this mindset. Your value and worth as a man has nothing to do with how many girls like you or fuck you. Women can provide validation and a self-esteem boost, but its fake. It’s like they are paying you with counterfeit money. Furthermore, they can take that validation away whenever they want, so they have power over you. The rapper Drake fucks strippers all the time – for that night they feel like they are the most powerful and important women in the world. But then when he drops them back off at their shitty little apartment in the hood they are back to where they started. Remember – women ARE NOT YOU. Read that again. THEY ARE NOT YOU. So they shouldn’t be able to affect your self-esteem.
Let me tell you a story about Kyle. At our college there was a girl named Kelly who was literally one of the hottest girls you will ever see. I am not exaggerating – she was much better looking than most Playboy models or runway models. She is literally one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen in my life, movies and TV included. She was considered a goddess at her high school and also at college – literally, at every frat party a line of guys would form, all of whom were trying to talk to Kelly. She was the stuff of legends and everybody would talk about her. Kelly would give her number out to 5-6 guys a night and never call any of them back.
Kelly’s boyfriend was also really good looking, but he was kind of a loser that got involved in drugs and stuff. Kelly dumped him but she still had feelings for him. Enter Kyle. Kyle was a goofy, corny dork. He wasn’t “ugly” per se but he wasn’t anywhere near Kelly’s level. He was the kind of guy that everybody made fun of in high school and was never invited to parties. Anyway, he became friends with Kelly and after Kelly dumped her boyfriend she went into an emotional tailspin. As girls on the rebound are wont to do, she grabbed the closest guy she could find and started fucking him – which was Kyle. Of course, all of Kyle’s friends knew that Kelly was way out of Kyle’s league and so did Kyle, but he decided he was going to hang onto this ride as long as he could.
After a while, dating Kelly went to Kyle’s head and he started acting like a badass because he was dating Kelly. He started acting more “confident” and even dressing better. Some of the dudes who had made fun of him in high school started to be nice to him but others realized that he was still the same old dork. Girls started wanting to fuck Kyle because Kelly gave him the ultimate social proof.
Of course, Kelly only fucked Kyle for about 6 months until she got her head clear and realized that she was with a dude that was way beneath her. But the damage was done – Kyle had formed feelings for her and now he couldn’t get over her. For years after that Kyle became a depressed alcoholic and couldn’t form a relationship because he could find nobody else like Kelly. No matter how good his “game” got, no matter how much he lifted, he just wasn’t going to get a girl like that again. It was a fluke that he got her in the first place. Really hot girls started to approach Kyle (girls he would have never gotten previously) because Kelly had tricked them into thinking Kyle had value, but he just brushed them off because they weren’t Kelly. Kelly basically ruined Kyle’s life, at least for a few years.
Now the story of Kyle is very common, even if it not as on extreme of a scale. Plenty of guys get into relationships with girls that are “out of their league” and it ruins their life because they become attached and can’t find somebody better. You can’t tell these guys about “abundance mentality” or “go fuck 10 more girls” because their oneitis is too deep for that. A lot of guys give up on their hobbies and passions because of women. I’ve also noticed that men that become betas in relationships appear to become more feminized and generally less assertive. It’s literally like women suck the life force out of them.
The solution is to build a life where you don’t need validation from women. You need to engage in hobbies that have nothing to do with women at all. It’s hard – most people work jobs that fucking suck and don’t provide a lot of opportunity for personal fulfillment or growth. Also most people don’t have the time or courage to pick up another activity like painting or learning the intricacies of Marxist economics – especially at a later stage of life. But you absolutely have to. The key to outcome independence is knowing that you have the capability of ditching Kate Upton to go home and work on your woodworking project and not feeling a twinge of regret. I know that sounds insane and it goes against everything our society has taught us – but that is the TRUE definition of outcome independence. People say that the key to outcome independent is the “abundance mentality” but not even an abundance mentality can save you from a true bitch. I have had girls express interest in me all night and even invite me back to their place, but then when we get back to their house they freeze me out and make me sleep on the couch. Why? They just wanted to know they could conquer me – they couldn’t conquer me at the club so they had to bring me all the way back home to do it. In this case, my abundance mentality doesn’t help me because even though I know I could get other girls its 3AM and the bars are closed. True outcome independence is being able to laugh it off and go home.
A lot of guys try to take their mind off of girls by lifting or focusing on “themselves,” but those are activities that they ultimately doing just to get girls again. A truly outcome independent man has hobbies that have nothing to do with girls whatsoever – in fact, hobbies that we would never even tell girls about.
Now, you may be saying: “If you completely disassociate your identity from women, how can you ever be in a relationship? Isn’t there something beautiful about making sacrifices and bonding with a woman?” Well – there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship – you should be in one if you want. But… a true healthy relationship is one where both parties help improve each other and encourage each other’s growth and well-being. If your SO wants you to quit your hobbies so you can “spend more time with her” she doesn’t have your well-being in mind; she is only worried about her own emotional insecurity. That’s not a nice thing for her to ask you to do nor should you ask her to do that ever either. That’s the definition of an unhealthy, codependent relationship.