How and why low self-esteem is a mental disease

First of all, let me say this: I’m not a scientist, nor do I pretend to be. These are just observations I’ve had mixed with some shit I’ve read. So if you want to win self-righteous points by pointing out scientific flaws, go fuck yourself.

I’ve always been a pretty confident, upbeat person so I never understood why some people had problems with self-esteem. I would always offer banal, unhelpful advice like “fake it till you make it man!” or “just think you’re awesome.” However, I’ve recently learned that low self-esteem is a mental disease that begins with strong emotions elicited by natural biological reactions, stemming from evolution. Let me explain.

Ranking Human beings, like a lot of other apes, are naturally hierarchical creatures – so much so, that we rank each other. In a human “tribe,” each person has a rank – there is a #1, a #2, a #3, etc… This ranking system is biologically wired into our emotions by evolution, whether we like it or not. Scientists studying bonobos (one of our closest ape cousins) came up with a device that could mimic a bonobo voice. They realized that if they emitted a sound equivalent to the #7 ranked bonobo sounding disrespectful to the #6 ranked bonobo, not only would the #6 bonobo get angry and upset, EVERYBODY IN THE TRIBE would get angry and upset. In other words, bonobos (and probably humans) are wired to organize ourselves into a very specific hierarchy and then have everybody respect that hierarchy. This makes sense – if you look at most human societies, companies, and social groups, they are clearly organized into hierarchies, with an alpha male at the top, a #2 beneath him, etc… And the reason these hierarchies work is that everybody generally accepts the order.

But what does it mean to be “ranked” higher? It works like this: the #1 ape gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He fucks whoever he wants, eats whatever he wants, and goes wherever he wants. Scientists have observed chimps moving out of the way when the #1 ape walks by. Chimps even bow to the alpha male. Naturally, the #1 ape (the alpha male) gets to be #1 because he is the strongest and most powerful ape in the group. Then, the #2 ape also gets to do whatever HE wants, subject to deferring to #1. And so on. As you go down the ranks, the apes get less freedom to do what they want because they have more people they have to take orders from. From an evolutionary perspective, this arrangement makes sense: the tribe is more likely to survive and be healthy if there was a “leader” who gave orders to his underlings, rather than if every ape just did whatever they wanted to. This is why many companies are organized hierarchically. This arrangement has the added advantage of ensuring that the strongest and healthiest apes eat the most and reproduce.

The #1 ape doesn’t really care about the other apes because he is stronger than them and can do whatever he wants. But the cohesion of the tribe depends on the lower ranked apes obeying the higher ranked apes so the lower-ranked apes evolved to form a deep emotional attachment to higher ranked apes and constantly obsess over how to please them. What does the alpha male want? What is he thinking? Am I upsetting him? This makes sense too – if the lower ranked apes didn’t give a fuck about the alpha male, they would try to eat the same banana the alpha male was trying to eat and the alpha male would knock them the fuck out. Lower-ranked apes are also wired to bow and act submissive around higher-ranked apes. For this reason, the lower-ranked apes are full of stress and anxiety because they don’t want to fuck up and piss off the higher-ranked ape. In fact, scientists have theorized that social anxiety comes about because lower-ranked individuals don’t want to talk to or even be around higher-ranked individuals out of fear they will make them upset and get their ass beat.

The fact that the lower apes obsess about the higher apes and the higher apes don’t give a fuck about the lower ranked apes has caused a lot of stress and misery in human affairs. It is the reason slavery, poverty, inequality and abuse exist. Religion had to force higher-ranked people to care about lower-ranked people because we don’t naturally have those emotions. Sure, we feel a mild bit of compassion, like when you see a homeless guy, but those emotions are not strong enough to make you actually treat poor people well. This is why rich white people lose their minds if a rich white girl goes missing, but don’t care if the same thing happens to a poor black girl.

The worst part of the not caring thing is that in relationships one party is “inferior” and obsesses over the other party, while the “superior” party feels nothing. That’s why some people are shocked when they get dumped – they had intense feelings for their partner, and they don’t understand how their partner could feel NOTHING for them and walk away with the relationship like nothing happened.

Not only do human beings respect the hierarchy, we feel good when we are in what we perceive to be our rank. If you put a person at a rank they don’t feel they belong in, they feel anxiety (remember the bonobos freaking out). If you took a janitor and made him a CEO he would feel a ton of anxiety and would want to go back to being a janitor, even though he logically knows being a CEO is a better job. If you’ve ever had a depressed friend, you might have noticed that they insist they suck (i.e, they are ranked at the bottom of the tribe) even if they aren’t – they are purposely trying to put themselves at the bottom because that is where they emotionally feel like they fit. If it weren’t for people accepting (and liking!) their position, the hierarchy wouldn’t work.

But if we are born equal how are rankings established? I’m not exactly sure how, but I think it goes like this: we meet somebody that is in our peer group (aka the tribe). We size them up and try to determine how “powerful” they are. Powerful means different things in different contexts and communities, but it could mean rich, attractive, strong, etc… Then, depending on how they act (and how we act) and if we feel like they are more powerful than us, a powerful biological reaction occurs in our brain where we see ourselves as being “beneath” them and them as being ranked higher than us (or vice-versa). Sometimes, the word “powerful” doesn’t even make any sense – nobody is “powerful” in middle school, but there is always a “cool kid” that had a sidekick and then a bunch of losers that followed him around everywhere and did everything he told them to. Of course, this interaction and reaction only occurs with people we emotionally care about – we don’t rake ourselves against the guy at the bank or people in the highway, but we do rank ourselves against our friends, people at our graduation party, people we date, etc… The problem is that once we’ve spent enough time “beneath” somebody that emotion solidifies and we see ourselves as beneath them forever – no matter if they become homeless and we become a CEO.

Rejection anxiety If a person gets rejected from the tribe completely, they feel rejection anxiety. Because our biological processes think we are in the woods alone, we lose our appetite (to conserve food), can’t sleep (you shouldn’t sleep when you are in the woods alone and the tribe won’t protect you from predators), we feel terribly alone, and we constantly ruminate on what he did to get rejected, so we can fix it and so the tribe takes us back. Rejection anxiety is one of the worst feelings a human being can experience, and it make sense – evolution has designed us to not do anything that would get us rejected from the tribe, and for us to feel terrible if we do.

Now we can understand low self-esteem. A person gets low self-esteem when they enter into an emotional relationship with a person they see as “above” them and that person treats them like shit. The parties subconsciously “agree” that one person is beneath the other. Their body and mind undergo a biological process where they now believe themselves to be a low-ranking individual dependent on the higher-ranking person, even if logically they are not. In my life I am seen some incredibly attractive, smart, successful people with low self-esteem. It’s not a conscious “decision,” but a biological process that produces overwhelming feelings of inferiority that are hard to eradicate.

The low self-esteem person forms an emotional attachment to the higher-ranked person and subconsciously feels it is their duty to please them. Human beings do a thing called confabulation, which is where their brain justifies their emotions, so their thoughts rationalize their behavior. People stay in abusive relationships because they subconsciously feel low-ranking and confabulate reasons why they deserve the abuse. Their emotions and thoughts team up to create a toxic reality for them. They are afraid to leave because then they will lose their rank, or, worse, be rejected from the tribe altogether. And of course, the relationship offers them a lot of good feelings as well so they learn to ignore the abuse.

A few bugs of human psychology exacerbate this problem. Our biology can’t differentiate between one person rejecting us and the entire tribe rejecting us (apes didn’t have monogamy) so when we get dumped we feel like the entire tribe rejected us and we are in the woods alone. This is why a person with one-itis thinks crazy things like “I will never find another girl like her” or “I will never be happy again” or “the world hates me.” Worse, our biology doesn’t know there are multiple tribes in the world. Logically, if a person gets dumped or treated like shit, they should just move on and find somebody else who doesn’t do that to them. But because our biology thinks the entire world is just one tribe, if a person treats us like shit we think we have been permanently relegated to a lower rank and the only way to regain that rank is for the abuser to accept us again. And oftentimes, the abuser will happily pretend to accept us (to feed his or her own ego) and then treat us like shit again at some point. This is why it is so difficult to fix low self-esteem. Even if P moves to a new city and finds a new group of friends who see him as high-ranking, he still thinks the world is one tribe and will still feel low self-esteem until his high school bully approves of him even if P is a rich lawyer and his high school bully works at McDonalds.
Having low self-esteem makes people emotionally unstable and shitty to others. They are wracked with depression and anxiety that paralyzes them so they don’t do anything that might offend their superiors. This prevents them not only from interacting with people in a healthy way, but also from achieving their goals, being productive, etc… Furthermore, everybody wants to have a higher rank – so when low self-esteem people meet somebody who isn’t “ranked” in their world, they have a strong desire to step on them to make up for the inferiority they feel with others. On one hand, they want to be highly-ranked but on the other hand they feel extreme anxiety if they leave their lower, shitty rank. These conflicting emotions produce crazy behavior. You may notice that women with low self-esteem will act submissive for long periods and then suddenly do something shitty to assert her “dominance” over you.

Happy, spiritually enlightened people don’t play the “rank” game. They resist their ape-like urges (it’s difficult) to make themselves “better” or “worse” than others, and they just treat everybody equally, with respect and dignity. They realize their true value comes from their character and accomplishments, not from other people’s approval. They take legitimate criticism from others, but don’t become affected emotionally. If somebody disrespects them, they don’t fight to get their rank back; they just cut them off. If a person sees themselves as “higher” than you, nothing you can do can change their mind – they will fight you tooth and nail to keep their rank. Because healthy people are not haunted by feelings of inferiority or superiority, they can assert themselves in relationships logically.

Withdrawing from the ranking game makes one an alpha. Remember, the “alpha” male, by definition, does whatever he wants and is intimidated by nobody, so if a person refuses to let his actions be constrained by others he will look alpha. People gravitate towards the un-ranked person because he isn’t trying to push anybody beneath him. Paradoxically, if somebody refuses to play the ranking game, they win.

It is extremely important to draw strict boundaries in relationships. People are like kids. If you let them act shitty they will act shitty and not even realize what they are doing. When people act rude and fuck with you, they will slowly cause a shift in both of your minds that 1) they are above you and 2) you deserve to be treated like shit. A lot of guys take crap from girls “because she’s hot, bro.” Fuck that. You may think disrespect from a girl isn’t affecting you, but it is – it is slowly fucking with your biology and wrecking your self-esteem, subconsciously making you drop in rank.

So how can we prevent low self-esteem?

1- Assert yourself in every relationship – like I said, don’t let yourself fall “beneath” anybody. If somebody is being a dick, call them out on being a dick. Don’t let people push you around. Use your logical thinking ability rather than your “feelings” to determine if behavior is appropriate.

2- Stop trying to please people. Remember, girls (and guys) are attracted to the alpha male, aka the #1 ranked guy in the tribe. As we have stated, the definition of the alpha male is that he does whatever he wants. So if you do whatever you want (within legal and moral boundaries) people will respect you. It’s going to feel weird at first, especially if you’ve been trained your entire life to supplicate to people and make them happy, but once you start not giving a fuck what other people want, you will realize that people respect and like you more. You need to continue to be polite and to take people’s emotions into account, just don’t constrain your actions based on them.

3- Guard your self-esteem. Now you know that self-esteem is a fragile, biological state of mind, guard it. Let’s say you approach a woman at a club and she rudely rejects you – your self esteem will take a hit because a person who you were mildly emotionally invested in told you to fuck off. It’s obviously an irrational emotional reaction, but you need to keep that in mind so that it doesn’t affect you. Keep this in mind.

Tldr: human beings naturally rank themselves and low self esteem results from having a shitty rank. Resist that.

Why girls like unemotional guys

I seek to answer one question in this post: why do women like men who don’t give a fuck about them? The usual answers are kind of simplistic: girls want what they can’t have; not giving a shit about girls make you look like you have higher value than them; not giving a shit about girls make you look like you have an interesting life, etc… All of these answers are right to a degree, but they don’t tell the whole story. They explained why girls rejected super-needy guys, but it didn’t explain why girls react immediately negatively to a guy showing the slightest ounce of emotion towards them. So I came up with my own explanation:

Needy love: Our society exalts love as the greatest good, the pinnacle of human life, etc… But the problem is that our society sees “love” as purely an emotion. What our society calls love I call needy love, defined as a set of ultimately selfish emotions incluidng the desire to have sex, the desire for physical affection, the desire for an ego boost, the desire for validation, etc… This is not a complete list, but the specific emotions are not important – the point is that these emotions are selfish in that they consist of YOU wanting something from the other person without regard for what they want. There are, of course, other conceptions of love: the Bible (and many other traditional societies) saw love as a contract between two parties that has little to do with emotion. But our society sees love as purely emotion without the accompanying obligation – when your “emotions” run out, you’ve “fallen out of love” and you can go find somebody else with no consequences.

The emotions that make up “needy love” are our strongest emotions, so needy love hijacks our thoughts and convinces us we have a deep connection with the other person. People don’t think “Wow I am under the influence of a bunch of extremely strong chemicals in my brain” but instead think “this is my soulmate.” That is why “love” is the subject of countless poems, movies, love songs, etc… and an object of worship in our society.

Needy love emotions are different for men and women. Women, for example, feel a strong attraction to “confident” men, whereas men, although they like confident women, don’t have the same emotional reaction to confidence. Men, on the other hand, place more weight on physical appearance than women do. Overall, the checklist that has to be satisfied for women to fall into needy love is much longer than men’s, which is part of the reason women take longer to fall in love and are more “flaky.” The reason relationships are so hard is that just because you feel needy love towards a woman doesn’t mean she feels the same needy love back – they have a different process going on in their brain.

One of men’s strongest needy love emotions is their overwhelming desire for sex right away, so men “fall in love” and emotionally over-invest in a relationship much quicker than women. That’s why men are a lot more likely to be “creepy” than women –their “needy love” emotions activate much quicker. However, the needy love emotions are much stronger in women and once a woman “falls in love” she is much more likely to become clingy and needy.
Negative needy love: Here is the dark side of needy love: while the needy love emotions make you feel good for a while, they have an incredibly destructive negative component. Feelings of attachment, sexual desire, acceptance, etc…, can quickly change to neediness, depression, desperation, loneliness, anger, resentment, etc… if the person rejects you. Needy love is like crack – the highs are amazing, but the lows are terrible. The Greek philosopher Plato wrote that “erotic” love is ultimately dangerous because it makes you irrationally value a person when they like you, and then irrationally hate them when they don’t. As we all know, love can literally drive a person crazy and cause one to become violent, stalk somebody, fall into deep depression, etc… “Love” has ruined countless people’s lives. On a subconscious level everybody knows that a person in the grip of needy love is basically insane.

Vicarious emotions Human beings have a weird ability to feel emotions vicariously through other people. For example, if you see a guy get hit by a car, you feel “bad” for him because you FEEL as if you yourself got hit by a car,. You don’t logically think to yourself “oh that must suck to get hit by a car.”. The Scottish philosopher Adam Smith said the basis for human sympathy is the fact that we feel through the eyes of the others. That’s why you oftentimes don’t have sympathy for people experiencing problems you haven’t experienced.
One reason needy love so intense is that you feel the other persons emotions vicariously: not only do you feel your own emotions towards them, but you also literally enter their mind and feel their emotions towards you, so being in love is like an infinite loop of emotions. You love them, you feel them loving you, you then feel them feeling you loving them, etc… It’s insane and part of the reason why “love” is such a complicated mindfuck. But beware: YOU CANNOT ACTUALLY READ THEIR MIND SO YOU PROJECT EMOTIONS ONTO THEIR BRAIN THAT THEY MAY NOT HAVE. Oftentimes when guys get “oneitis” it is not only because they desire the other person, but because they’ve tricked their minds into thinking the other person desires them when they don’t.

Women (and men) are disgusted by needy love The main point of this article and the reason why women like men who don’t give a shit about them is this: women are disgusted by needy love. If a woman sees a guy displaying the needy love emotions, she immediately become turned off because she vicariously feels that he is becoming crazy. She knows that the man WANTS something (not just something, A LOT) from her. This puts pressure on her because now somebody’s happiness is dependent on her. She knows that he is constantly thinking about her and if she fucks up even a little (i.e., forgets to call him back, says something weird, etc…) he will become angry and disappointed. The guy goes from a regular, nice, attractive dude to an irrational robot that wants and needs something from her. Worse yet, the woman knows that if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he will become depressed/rejected/angry. Because women don’t want to “hurt” the other person, they just disappear – they literally reject you because they don’t want to reject you. The fucked up thing is that women feel all this subconsciously, so they don’t really know why they are getting turned off: they just know that the guy is doing something that is repelling them.

All women have felt needy love before so when they sense it in somebody else they know exactly what is going on. However, women feel needy love on a much stronger level than men so when a man displays a tiny bit of neediness, the woman interprets that as more than it really is because women don’t understand how men’s emotions work. One thing I have noticed is that the clingiest/neediest women oftentimes give out the harshest rejections – it makes sense: these women reject guys the hardest because they themselves know full well know what its like to be needy and they know its terrifying.

Also, because the needy love emotions are at the forefront of women’s minds, a woman can sense needy love in a guy when he himself doesn’t even see it. Worse yet: super attractive women have so many men fall in love with them that they may assume a man is displaying needy love to them even if he isn’t. Some women (especially women that get hit on a lot) interpret simple, everyday actions by the guy (having polite conversation, buying them a drink) as insane needy love – remember we said that vicariously feeling emotions doesn’t mean that you will actually know what they are feeling. If you’re a super hot girl in America in 2014, you have tons and tons of people displaying needy love towards you: the cashier at the grocery store, your 15 ex-boyfriends who can’t get over you, other girls who are jealous of you/want to be you, etc… A person who is genuinely emotionless towards you is a breath of fresh air.
Finally, beyond the subconscious level, women are turned off by needy love because needy people are just not fun to be around. They agree with everything you say, don’t say anything interesting/provocative, laugh at all your jokes, and don’t challenge you/call you out on your bullshit. Basically you are useless. Furthermore, people under the influence of needy love act irrationally, talk stupid, act creepy, and display more negative emotions (jealousy, disappointment) than positive ones.

Please keep in mind that our brains can subconsciously pick up a person acting out of needy love, and the signs are often very subtle. Imagine a person saying “hey how are you”? A person can say those same words as a merely nice guy, but another person acting out of needy love will betray their neediness in their body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc… On a logical level there is no difference, but your subconscious emotions will be able to pick up that the person is displaying needy love. That’s why a lot of guys fail when they pretend to not give a shit – they have to actually not give a shit. It is a very delicate dance to not display needy love – you need to carefully choose your words, and you need to monitor your subject closely to see if you are freaking her out. I’ve noticed that really emotional, shitty girls are even more prone to freaking out when guys act needy. You can be having an amazing time all night but then the slightest nudge of needy love freaks them out and sends them running. You should stay away from girls like this in the first place, but the point remains: sometimes even a subtle, slight bit of neediness puts the subject on the defensive. Remember, freaking out over needy love is a subconscious process so they may THINK they like you but they will feel a revulsion if you are being needy.

Don’t girls want to be loved? Well… not exactly. I mean, of course on a logical level they think they want to be loved, but nobody really wants to be the object of somebody’s needy love. What women really want is a guy THEY CAN LOVE. As a guy, you need to just get out of the way and let her love you and not say or do anything to fuck it up. Remember, needy love emotions are selfish, so a girl will send needy love to you all day but then freak out when you send that same needy love back. Of course, girls want certain things from guys, like attention, somebody who will listen to them, sex, etc… It’s ok to give those things in the right times and right amounts. But the full panoply of needy love emotions often freaks them out, especially if the guy’s needy love is stronger than theirs. Another way to put it is this: women want to be loved on a logical level: they want a guy who is attentive, cares about them, isn’t needy, isn’t selfish, and isn’t an asshole.

Girls aren’t impressed with needy love. A lot of girls have had shitty ex-boyfriends who were full of needy love but still treated her like shit (in fact, being fully of needy love makes you more likely to treat a girl badly because you are more likely to be angry and emotional). The creep at the bar that talked to her for 5 minutes will start displaying needy love. So a girl will not say “oh this guy isn’t expressing needy love towards me, he doesn’t like me.” Also, girls know that the needy love emotions are temporary and wildly fluctuate, so a guy who is under the spell of needy love could easily fall in “love” with another girl tomorrow and leave alone. One thing I’ve noticed is that the most “slutty” girls post the most quotes about “love” on their Facebook and stuff. Why is this? They can’t control their emotions and live in a world of needy love, and needy love doesn’t actually care about the actual person you love. When somebody else tickles your emotions you move onto them and forget the first person you were needy loving. If you love a girl “logically” you are actually doing her more of a service than if you love her with needy love. Logical love is more solid and pure than needy love.

So what should a man do? If you want to get a girl to like you, talk to her, be nice to her, joke with her, etc… But just don’t display the needy love emotions. Treat the girl like any other dude you know. Don’t say anything that implies that you “need” anything from her, don’t stare at her too long, don’t follow her around, don’t demand her attention, don’t do things for her, etc… If you’re out with her, don’t make her feel “responsible” for you – make her feel like you could totally walk away and do your own thing and it wouldn’t bother you. In fact, you should err on the side of slightly being a “dick” because a lot of really hot girls will interpret normal behavior as needy love. It will be hard, because you’ve been taught by society (i.e., romantic comedies and Disney movies) that the way to court girls is to kiss their ass and tell them all about your deep and passionate needy love. And of course your emotions are going to want to make you act needy. Control your emotions! Another danger is that the girl will start showing interest so you will think “it’s ok for me to start showing needy love now.” No!! Needy love is always bad, and just because you’ve been making out and staring into each other’s eyes doesn’t mean its ok to bring out your needy love.

After some practice (and abundance mentality) you will be able to snap out of it. It’s hard to act emotionless so you will fuck up. Some guys slip back into needy mode after the girl shows some interest, or they will “ignore” the girl, causing her to think you are uninterested or an asshole or playing games. But its like weightlifting – once you get to a certain point you will be unstoppable.

But won’t I friendzone myself? Good question. Yes, if you completely act emotionless around a girl, she may think you are uninterested. So you need to do 2 things: 1) tell her you are interested. Ask her on a date. A lot of guys are afraid of asking girls on dates because they don’t want to look needy, but if you can ask a girl on a date without displaying needy love you will intrigue and excite her. It’s a great deal for her! She can get all the fun and excitement of a date without the burden of dealing with a guy that wants a bunch of shit from her, and 2) do all the things you’ve learned in seduction: eye contact, deep, intelligent conversations, kino, escalate, etc… It is possible to do all these things without showing needy love. You may ask: how can one escalate with a girl sexually without making it look like you want to fuck her … well, it’s an art (see the push pull method).

My Story

There is a lot of debate here between people who think that PUA beginners should start with canned tips/tricks/routines (TEAM A) and people who think that beginners should focus on developing real, actual confidence (TEAM B). A lot of the TEAM A people think that using canned tips/tricks/routines will lead a person to get girls and therefore develop real, actual confidence. I disagree. I think it’s the other way around. To illustrate, I will tell you my story.

I started off as an AFC like many of you chumps. I am foreign, a dork in high school, and didn’t get girls. I dressed weird, acted weird, and was always just considered the “funny kid” that girls just wanted to be friends with. I played sports but I was never awesome at them. In college I decided to “re-do” myself and I ended up dating a HB8 that was by far the hottest girl I had ever gotten at the time. I got needy, she lost interest, and she dumped me for her high school boyfriend. I was crushed and got severe one-itis. After getting dumped I began to realize some of the “truths” that red pillers talk about – women are shitty, they are attracted to “alpha” males who don’t give a fuck about them, true love doesn’t exist, etc…

In my despair I turned into a cold-hearted misogynist and got into PUA. I figured women were like a computer program and if I could “crack the code” I could have my way with them. And back then (this is like 10 years ago) this is what PUA literature promoted – tips, tricks, routines, canned lines, as if all women were robots you could manipulate with cheat codes. I read The Game and all those books. I even wrote a list of “principles” on a piece of paper and took it out with me – typical PUA inspirational shit. Of course, when I actually started talking to a girl and got into the insane, emotional, fast-paced reality of an actual conversation I instantly forgot all the principles (or I could only remember like 1 out of the 20 I had written down). I remember one time I had been talking to a girl for an hour and I freaked out so I actually pulled the list of principles out of my pocket and looked at them while I was talking to her (I told her it was my grocery list). I got really frustrated because I felt like the more I learned the harder PUA got because the more shit I had to memorize and actually try to apply in the overwhelming emotional pressure of an actual conversation. I felt like I was talking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

My game became …. Ok. I had much better game than your average chump, but like a lot of you guys, it fluctuated on my mood or as you guys would say, my “state.” Some nights I would absolutely destroy and some nights I would do nothing. I couldn’t figure it out. My “confidence” with girls increased slightly, but that confidence was bullshit and useless. Knowing I had fucked a girl a week before using some stupid routine didn’t make me feel any more confident about fucking a girl this week. I realized that all girls were different and shit that works on one girl won’t work on another. I still got rejected a lot, I still had AA, and I wasn’t finding quality girls.

Then, I started doing stand up comedy. I INSTANTLY started doing better with girls, even those who never saw me do stand up. Mind you, I was not good at stand up AT ALL and I didn’t get anything impressive – I had never been on TV, or even opened for anybody good or did any impressive shows. But just telling girls I did stand up made me more attractive because it showed I did something I was passionate about and enjoyed. Sometimes on dates I would talk about comedy for like 45 minutes and right when I thought the girl was bored out of her mind she would ask to come home with me. I went to law school and became a lawyer at an awesome firm in New York City, but I realized that girls were more interested in the comedy part of my life – it set me apart from all the other boring, lame, douchebag lawyers and bankers they met all the time. I actually felt like kind of a shithead – I had spent all this time learning tricks and routines and gotten nowhere when all I had to do was start a cool hobby.

Here’s another crazy thing – some nights I would do really well at a show, and then go out afterwards. I would do much, much, much, much better with girls on those nights, even if I didn’t bring up comedy. I realized it was because I was in this weird emotional state known as … confidence. Actual, true, deep in your soul confidence. Not PUA confidence. Real confidence.

About 2 years ago I was going through a rough patch of my life. I was unemployed, depressed, and had no dating life to speak of. I was in a 6 month dry stretch and I totally didn’t fault women for it. But a famous comedian saw one of my videos online and invited me to open for him in LA. I was so fucking excited – this was by far the biggest show I had ever done, I was a huge fan of that comedian, I would be on stage with some big names (that you guys have probably heard of), and most importantly, it was the only positive thing that had happened to be in months. Although the show was Saturday night, I flew in on Friday so I could spend an extra day getting my thoughts together, etc… I went out alone on Friday night and I totally wasn’t trying to get laid – I just wanted to have a couple drinks and see what LA nightlife was like. I had kind of given up on girls and honestly all my thoughts were on the show. Well, on Friday night with MINIMAL WORK I brought home the hottest girl I had ever had. Saturday night I did the show and it went amazing. Afterwards I hung out back stage and smoked weed with a famous rock star and his supermodel friends. I wanted to hang out with them after the show, but I didn’t want to push my luck so I went to another bar in LA by myself, still riding the high of the show. Guess what – I brought home another girl! I didn’t even tell her about my show or comedy till after I fucked her. So after a 6 month dry spell I had 2 one night stands in one weekend, purely because of the confidence of being on this show.
So now I had to figure out how to duplicate this weird emotion or “state” known as confidence all the time. People always tell you to be confident, but if you’re not confident then you don’t even know what that word means. It’s also a complicated and fleeting emotion – like telling somebody to be happy. It’s almost useless advice if you’re a sad sack of shit.

Well let me tell you about when I learned about what confidence was. I was booked on a “roast” of a local DJ. Unfortunately, the roast was horribly organized and a disaster. The bar was packed, but there were no seats, and everybody was standing at the bar talking so nobody was paying attention to the comedians actually roasting the guy. It was a horrible spectacle. Great comedians went up there and did great jokes and bombed because nobody was listening. I had also written some great jokes but I was dreading my turn. I saw another comedian there who also happened to be the booker for the local comedy club and asked him “what do you do in this situation where everybody is talking?” He just said to me “there is nothing you can do, unless you’re a famous comedian people recognize. Nobody is going to pay attention. You should just tell the promoter that they failed at organizing this event and you’re not going to go on stage – you don’t want to embarrass yourself.” Well, I figured, I can’t back out now. I promised the promoter I would do it. And if the BOOKER FOR THE COMEDY CLUB thinks I’ll fail then there is no pressure whatsoever. If I bomb and nobody listens, who cares?

So my plan was to go on stage and YELL my jokes. That’s the only thing I could think of. When I got up there I just yelled to the top of my lungs “everybody SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” About half the bar went silent and the other half kept talking. But I had at least some attention. For at least a second. I immediately launched into my first joke. The half that was listening laughed. Second joke. Laughter. Each time a joke did well more people stopped talking and started listening. By the fourth joke the whole room was in rapt attention to me. And I fucking killed. And then when I got off stage the room went right back to talking and nobody listened to the comedians after me. And I got laid that night.

And I realized that true confidence is NOT GIVING A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I knew I had good material. But I had no way of knowing whether the audience would like it or not. My confidence was in my material, not in the people. I just had to go on stage and deliver my jokes as if I knew they were great. As Bill Cosby says “nobody wants to think that the pilot MIGHT be able to land the plane. They want to KNOW that the pilot can land the plane.” This principle served me well in stand up. I realized that I had some really good jokes that worked about 80% of the time – but every audience is different and I have no way of knowing if this particular audience will like those jokes. I have to still go up there and deliver my jokes as if I KNOW they are good. Here is the difference between a beginner stand up and a pro: a beginner stand up lets his energy and confidence be dictated by the audience: if the audience likes him and laughs at his jokes, he is high-energy and funny and does well. But if they don’t like him, he loses energy and confidence and you can tell. And he bombs. But a pro won’t let the audience’s reaction hurt his game. He will go on stage and do his jokes as if they are awesome and the audience usually comes around.
It’s easy to say “don’t give a fuck what people think” but its hard to do because we are biologically wired to base our behavior and emotions on the reactions we get from people. It’s a subconscious thing we do on an emotional level. It feels really weird and unnatural to perform with pep and enthusiasm when everybody in the room has their arms folded and are staring at you like they hate you. But once you get used to it, you do your material anyway and then they come around and laugh because YOU ARE RIGHT, not them.

Of course, not giving a fuck doesn’t mean to be a sociopath. I’m still there to do a job – make them laugh. And I am not going to say things I know they will hate. I change my material for different audiences, and sometimes I do jokes I don’t really care for if I know they won’t like the jokes I like. But I don’t EMOTIONALLY care what they think. I go up there and do my best, and if I don’t do well then I imagine that the entire audience died in a bus accident on the way home. Either way, I go out and have fun afterwards.

So I turned this same principle to getting girls. I dropped the routines, lines, gimmicks, etc… and became myself: a guy with good material. And by good material, I mean I know I am smart, funny, interesting, attractive, etc… And I didn’t get my material from PUA books or from picking up girls – I got my material from living an interesting life. I read interesting books, go on interesting blogs, do comedy, etc… I have nothing to be ashamed of. My opener is “Hi, I’m HappyJerk” or “what’s up with you.” Nothing weird. I don’t have a list of principles or “responses” to shit girls say. And, not to brag, but I’ve been doing A LOT better since I adopted this new mindset. I get at least a # close every night, I convert most of them into dates, and I can hold a girl’s interest in almost any conversation. I’ve banged girls I literally used to dream of.

I know this advice won’t help most of you. Most guys get into PUA because they are insecure and they think the way to “fix” that is to get girls. The real problem is that their lives suck and they are trying to fill that emotional hole with girls. Because it takes a lot of work to make an awesome life, most guys just want a “cheat” code that will unlock women for them. Those are the losers PUA books and blogs target – that’s why PUA books and blogs tell you lies like “looks don’t matter” and “do this ONE thing!”, etc… I sometimes see guys post shit like “I don’t know what to say in conversations!” But here is the thing – there is no “advice” you can give for that! You just have to become genuinely interesting and funny and quick on your feet. We all know guys that get tons of girls who don’t know shit about PUA. They are NATURALLY confident. Brad Pitt or Jay-Z don’t need routines. You don’t either.
Of course, there is some stuff you can learn from PUA materials. The stuff about approach anxiety, posture, eye contact, clothes, etc… is important. So is the general advice about not being needy, not emotionally invested, not falling for shit tests, etc… Most importantly, you just have to learn that women are just different from men emotionally. But here’s the thing: lines and routines and shit can help, but as a human being you only have a certain amount of hours in the day to spend on shit, and its better to spend it on actually becoming a genuinely confident person than perfecting the right “response” or “neg.”

That’s just my opinion.

Here’s my last story: I went home a few weeks ago and I went through my old high school photos. I was shocked: the guy in the photos was really, really attractive. Even though I had had amazing success since then, I realized I’ve always been a good-looking, funny, cool, smart, guy. In other words, I had great “material.” I just didn’t have the confidence because I cared what people thought.

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7 Emotions Men Need to Control

TLDR: Act normal around girls and resist your evolutionary impulses to supplicate

Here is a common scenario: You’re at the bar with your best guy friends. Your bros are the coolest guys ever – they are funny, smart, chill, friendly, outgoing, etc.. Then your friends and you start talking to a group of girls, and lo and behold, your friends completely change. They literally become different people! Instead of being their normal, awesome selves your friends start acting weird around the girls. They nervously trip over their words, lose their confidence, act overly friendly, and strangest of all, they literally sound stupider than normal. Weirded out by your friends’ behavior, the girls leave. What the fuck happened?

Your friends’ behavior changed for 2 reasons: 1) our society, by way of the media, schools, our parents, etc…, teaches us that women are weird, delicate creatures that must be supplicated to and worshipped. So men act like pathetic creeps around women they are attracted to. 2) More importantly, when men are around a woman a series of biological reactions (programmed by evolution) take place in their bodies that cause them to act differently, making them horny, supplicating, controlling, and generally weird. These hormonal emotions hijack men’s thoughts, make them stupider, and make them think crazy things like its suddenly ok to buy a complete stranger a drink and tell her she is God’s gift to humanity. These emotions are so strong and common that this type of behavior is now considered “normal” when men interact with women, and men that do not act this way are considered “assholes.”

Men must learn to control these emotions and act normal. Women take longer than men to become emotionally invested in relationships. Women enjoy being supplicated to, but only after they have formed some attraction to the guy. Otherwise, they just think the guy is being weird and creepy. Human beings are grossed out by people with emotions that are different than theirs. That’s why people hate others with different religions, national origins, musical tastes, etc… Because people feel differently from us, we can’t sympathize with them, and we see them as weird, crazy, or (at worst) dangerous. Because women don’t understand men’s emotions, they get a little freaked out and less likely to form an emotional connection.
Without further ado, here are the emotions men need to control:

1) The desire to immediately have sex with as many women as possible: Evolution has wired men to pursue sex with as many women as possible as fast as possible to spread our seed far and wide. Women, on the other hand, actually have to get pregnant, so they are looking for the most high-status male that will be the most stable provider for the baby. In sum, men want sex RIGHT NOW, whereas women want to find a man that is attractive over the long term. Men’s strongest desires are much more short-term than women’s. This is why women take longer to become emotionally invested in relationships, and why men have to not look overly interested early on.

The insane desire to have sex immediately makes men do stupid things like text girls pictures of their dick or send OkCupid messages like “Hey let’s fuck.” But even for guys that are too smart for that, men’s sexual desire still causes subtle changes in behavior. Men literally become stupider when they are in the presence of a really hot girl (studies have shown this). You can’t control it – it’s in your biology. Women’s femininity literally enchants men. You have to fight these impulses and act completely normally – like Kate Upton was a fat, 300 lb man. Stop staring at her like a delicious chicken on a rotisserie and act like she’s just a person standing there. Remember, women don’t have this insane, immediate sexual desire so they are thinking rationally and you just look like a weirdo to them. In fact, you can immediately stand out around a really hot woman but not acting like another drooling idiot.

Here’s the problem: Many guys are TOO AWARE of this problem, and end up overcompensating and never expressing any sexual desire to women at all. Men literally are ashamed of their sexuality or feel like they can’t express it until the very last second. This is what lands men in the friendzone. There is nothing wrong with telling women you are sexually interested in them (even if you just met) – you just have to match her emotions. Instead of looking like a horny animal who will fuck anything right now (which you are), men should act like women – you want to have sex, but only with a stable, high quality individual who has proven themselves. By matching women’s emotions you form an emotional connection with her.

2) The provider instinct: Just as women are wired to look for a stable provider, men are wired to want to provide. This is why men buy women drinks. An extreme manifestation of this desire is when old men buy porn stars stuff over the internet even though they will never meet them, much less bang them. Of course, women want to be provided for, but not until they are attracted to you and their own irrational emotions have kicked in. Until then, you’re just a weird guy buying them stuff. They will happily take the stuff and think you’re a weird idiot.
It’s PUA 101 that you should never buy a woman drinks, but the provider instinct also manifests itself in subtler, more subconscious ways. A lot of guys supplicate in conversations, agreeing with everything the girl says, letting her dictate the flow of the conversation, letting her ramble about stupid or boring shit, or flooding her with excessive compliments. Women hates this because they want to have a normal, rational conversation, not a weird dialogue where you suck her dick. Women know when they’re full of shit, and its really unattractive to agree with nonsense. To a rational person a supplicating provider looks like a desperate, lonely, overly invested, loser. Feminists act like the infamous “nice guys” are manipulative assholes that are trying to trade stupid little favors for sex. But in reality, “nice guys” are just regular dudes that have been tricked by society and their provider instinct into thinking that to “get” the girl they need to do a bunch of shit for her.

The most dangerous thing about the provider instinct is that women are attracted to assertive men that take the lead and control every step of the interaction, and the provider instinct often makes men act the complete opposite.

Like your sex drive, you have to work hard to control this instinct. When a women goes fishing for compliments you have to resist the urge to get on your knees and worship her. You also have to repress your desire to do whatever she wants or go wherever she wants. Basically, you have to act NORMAL around her – if she wants you to do something stupid, annoying or degrading you have to say “no”. You may even have to overcompensate by acting more self-involved, cocky, and “douchey” than you normally are.

3) The protector instinct: Just as women are evolutionarily wired to find a provider, they also want a big, strong, masculine man to protect them and their baby from wild beasts and lower status men who may try to fuck them. But in our society you rarely have to physically defend the girl you are with, but the protector instinct still exists, manifesting itself as the man treating the woman like she is weak or delicate or needs to be protected from difficult situations or arguments. The clearest example of this are “white knights”: men who feel the need to defend women in arguments because the women are too weak/stupid to do so. Women are physically weaker than men, but they aren’t mentally weaker, so the protector instinct comes off as condescending, demeaning and supplicating.

4) Rejection/social anxiety: Human beings are wired to see their communities as hierarchical. We all have a place in that hierarchy and we feel social anxiety around people that we perceive to be “above us” in the hierarchy. Social anxiety is designed to make us not to do anything disrespectful that might “challenge” their position. We are afraid that if we act overly confident/cocky they will reject us and leave us in the jungle alone with no food. Social anxiety has been shown to cause people to literally act “low-status”: bad posture, submissive, quiet, low energy, etc… Interestingly, when masculine men get around men that are much more high-status than them, they literally start acting “feminine” and submissive to not make the “master” angry. Rejection and social anxiety are very unattractive to women: they want men higher than them in the social hierarchy, not lower.

Rejection anxiety commonly manifests itself as approach anxiety, i.e., when a man won’t approach a woman in a bar because he is afraid she will reject him. But it can manifest itself in other ways. The man may be nervous, overly supplicating when he speaks to the woman, or just generally not “himself.” My friends, the most awesome guys ever, threw away all their funniness/personality/charm because they were afraid they would “offend” the girls. Men suffering from rejection/social anxiety may be afraid to challenge a woman’s opinions, say something controversial or even walk away when she does something disrespectful. You have to conquer this emotion because women want a high status male who is confident, sure of himself, will take the lead, and doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. And you always need to be able to walk away if she acting badly.

Women like being challenged and, as we know, women “shit test” guys to see if they really are high-status. I live in the south and sometimes a woman will casually say something blatantly racist about black people (I’m Middle Eastern). At first, I didn’t say anything because of rejection anxiety: I didn’t want to make her mad and end the date. But I realized that saying racist things was a mild shit test, so I started speaking up: I would say “I don’t judge people on their skin color, and I don’t think you should either.” It was awkward, it broke the mood, and it was a little rude. But I knew I was “right” and girls came to respect me for that. Standing up against racism made me look confident, sure of myself, and ultimately more moral (racists know they’re being assholes). Men rarely challenge hot girl’s opinions so hot girls are attracted to that.

5) The feminine instinct: I can’t really explain why, but I’ve noticed men act more feminine when around women. It might have to do with social anxiety or the provider instinct. Maybe men are wired to be more caring and nurturing when they are around their baby. Maybe the man feels a “connection” with the woman and starts to act like her. Doesn’t matter why: women don’t like it: women are attracted to masculinity – that’s why they want a MAN! As Katt Williams says, “if the woman wanted a bitch nigga she would just get herself a bitch, nigga.” Don’t compromise your masculinity around women.

6) The desire to control her: – Men provide for women, but also want to control her so she won’t carry the food and baby away. To women, this is the creepiest desire. It has become completely unacceptable in our society for men to try to control a woman in any way, even when married. But this desire still comes out in subtle, creepy ways. You ask a girl to come somewhere and when she says “no” you automatically ask her again, almost in a begging tone. This is your desire to control her. It’s creepy and pathetic. Stop it. If a woman says “no” to you for any reason you immediately change the subject like it didn’t even happen. An insane example of this emotion is when a man yells “what a bitch!” after a woman rejects him, as if she had some obligation to talk to him.

When you talk to girls make her think that you would be fine if she walked away. (you still need to look interested though – it’s a balancing act) . But if you’re in a committed relationship with a woman and she inappropriately interacts with other guys you have a right to make her stop and dump her if she doesn’t.
7) Love: – Ahhh, love. The most abused, misunderstood, and evil concept in our modern society. Honestly, I don’t know if “love” if its own emotion or a weird conglomeration of all the other emotions I’ve written about, but we all have had that strange feeling that we are inextricably “connected” to another person in some magical way. No matter how deep or powerful love feels, you have to realize that the woman may not feel the same way. And like I’ve noted, it takes women longer than men to fall in “love.” Love causes all kinds of weird behaviors, which I’m not going to even try to list.

Scientists have shown that human beings have an inborn sense of “fairness” where they assume that everything happens for a reason and if they do something nice for somebody it will be reciprocated. I think perhaps the feeling of “love” comes from the idea that if a man does something for a woman (or feels something for a woman) he expects her to reciprocate. So even though she has done nothing to indicate interest, in his head she is in love with him. That’s a theory.
Whew! That was a lot. How can a man control ALL OF THOSE emotions?? Well, it takes practice. But once you get good you become a God among men. You become much more attractive to women because you are literally the only guy acting normal. Very few men even know they have these irrational impulses. Remember, women, even super hot ones, are around normal men 90% of the time. The guy at the bank that controls her mortgage isn’t playing the provider or supplicating to her – he’s trying to get his fucking money. So women know what normal men are like. So they can tell when you’re being weird.

One last thing: please don’t take this article as indicating that you shouldn’t show interest when speaking to a girl. You totally should. In fact, you should immediately let a girl know that you are interested in dating her. You should also let her know you want to fuck her as soon as you can. But you need to do it in a rational way that she understands, rather than letting your insane emotions guide your actions.

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How I ask girls out

TLDR: When you ask a girl out, you have to do in a way that forces her to either say “yes” or “no.” In other words you want to make her reject you so you avoid falling into that “grey zone.”
If you’re like me, you’ve suffered from the following problem: you meet a girl, hit it off, think you have a great interaction, get her number, but then when you try to call her and set up a date, it doesn’t work. She either flakes, or doesn’t respond, or loses interest. What gives?

Well sometimes you haven’t built enough attraction with her. If that happens, she’s not going to call you back or go on a date with you no matter what. Girls love giving their numbers out, it doesn’t mean anything.

But… sometimes the problem is that you’re not asking her out right. This article is about how to ask a girl out. The main point I want to make is that YOU WANT TO MAKE HER REJECT YOU. You want to avoid landing in her “grey zone” – you have to make her decide “yes” or “no”.

Before we start, let’s start with some basic principles you need to know:

1) Girls want LOVE. LOVE, for the purposes of this article = (Confident, “alpha” man who will take control and plan every step of the interaction) X (Emotional connection with the man). To succeed with a girl, both elements must be there. Most guys make the mistake of forming an emotional connection, but not being alpha enough. But some guys (mostly PUAs) make the opposite mistake. Too much emphasis on being alpha and assertive, not enough on making an emotional connection. Now, before you go on a first date with a girl, it is hard to establish an emotional connection, but you need to establish strong emotions somehow. We’ll get to that later.

2) Girls HATE being rejected. Well, everybody hates being rejected, but girls are terrified of rejection to an insane degree. It might be nature, it might be nurture, but there is a reason why our society is structured so that all the risk of rejection lands on guys. As a guy, you need to use this to your advantage – if you can look rejection in the eye and not flinch, you have a huge advantage.

3) Girls (to a much lesser degree) hate rejecting guys. Don’t get me wrong, girls “reject” guys all the time, but girls don’t like to make an outright, clear, no-turning-back, verbal rejection to a guy they have any type of emotional connection with. For one, girls hate any kind of confrontation (especially with big scary men) so they would rather just not answer a phone call rather than to tell a guy “no.” Furthermore, girls try avoid outright rejecting guys because if a girl clearly and unambiguosly rejects a guy, there is a big chance he will reject her back, which takes us back to #2 (girls hate being rejected). If a girl says “I never want to see you again” the guy might say “ok, you’ll never see me again.” BAM! She just got rejected. This is why girls love to keep relationships with guys in a weird “grey” zone where she isn’t committing to doing anything with him, but isn’t formally rejecting him either. It’s part of your responsibility, as a guy, to stay out of that grey zone and force her to either hang out with you or outright reject you.

4) Girls are attracted to men that are leading awesome lives and are passionate about what they do. Guys that are living passionate, fun lives don’t need (or even want) girls to make them happy. Girls like that because it takes the pressure off of them in the relationship and it also makes it seem like they are getting somebody “above” them. Girls even “poke” you sometimes (also known as the shit-test) to see if you are actually passionately directed towards your goal.

So let’s use these principles.

The first thing you have to know is that when you ask a girl out you should always offer a definite time and place. Bonus points if you make it seem like you were going to go there without her. You need to make her feel like you have an awesome life going on and it is hard for you to even make time for her silly ass. “Meet me at Jack’s at 7,” or “do you want to go to dinner tonight at South City Kitchen at 9?” You also want to somehow inject a subtext into the conversation to make her think that this is her only chance to hang out with you. She either goes to Jack’s or you’re not inviting her out again (i.e., she gets rejected). You obviously can’t say that explicitly (although I have!), so you have to somehow inject that subtext into your sentences. We’ll talk about how to do this later. When you ask a girl out, you shouldn’t even give her multiple options (“do you want to do dinner tomorrow night or minigolf on Sunday”) – you should give her one option and make her feel like if she doesn’t take that option you won’t call her again.

You should never ask a girl out in a wishy washy way. Don’t ever say “hey we should hang out sometime” or “when are you free”? A wishy washy asking (basically, any type of asking out that doesn’t explicitly set a time and a place when she has to be there) violates all the principles we have learned. A guy who says “hey we should hang out sometime” isn’t taking charge and planning every step of the interaction. If you say “hey we should hang out sometime” or “when are you free” you are putting the burden on the girl to pick a time and place. Given that burden, the girl will not want to pick a time and place because she doesn’t want to take control and plan the interaction. Girls also don’t like “wishy washy” ask-outs because you are putting the risk of rejection back on her. If you say “when are you free” and she says Monday, you can say “oh well I’m busy Monday.” BAM! She just got rejected. I know that sounds stupid but girls are THAT SENSITIVE to rejection. I’m not a scientist but I suspect that girls’ desire for a confident man who will take the lead is somehow rejected to their fear of rejection.

I was on a date with a girl once that went very well so at the end I said “hey that was fun, we should do it again.” And she nodded “yes, definitely.” I then said “ok, when are you free?” and she didn’t answer; she just kept nodding. Feeling weird, I asked her again “when are you free this week”? Again, she said nothing and just kept nodding. I thought “maybe she doesn’t really want to hang out again.” But remembering what I read on r/seduction, I immediately said “hey do you want to go to Jack’s on Thursday?” And she said “yes!” and then we went to Jack’s on Thursday. Bizarre how a girl’s mind works.

Another reason to not ask in a wishy washy way is that it makes you look too available. Saying “when are you free” essentially means “I’m pretty much always free to hang out.” Not only does it make it look like you don’t have an awesome life full of cool shit going on, but it also doesn’t strike a strong emotional chord with the girl. She’s pretty sure you’re not doing something awesome every night, so “when are you free” basically means “pick a random night and we’ll do something – hopefully it will be good.” But if you pick a particular night and, even better, a particular event, she is more likely to get excited and emotional for it. Girls are always getting asked out and getting offered to go to cool events, so you need to really excite her if you want her to put her make-up on and leave the house. Also if you say “when are you free” she won’t be worried that if she doesn’t respond you’ll reject her because it is an open invitation. So, in summary, because you 1) didn’t take the lead, 2) she doesn’t want to risk getting rejected, 3) she won’t think you’ll reject her, and 4) you didn’t invoke any strong emotions in her, she just likely won’t answer.
Now here is the challenge: how can you make her feel like if she turns you down, she won’t get another chance? If she thinks she only has one shot, she is going to feel like this opportunity to hang out is more important (raising her emotions) and she is less likely to say no, because she doesn’t want to get rejected. But like I said, its kind of douchey to say “Hey you wanna hang out Friday? If you say no, I’m not calling you again.” So you have to think of a different tact. For one, your entire interaction, from the start, has to be structured in such a way that the girl thinks that you are very busy, you don’t have a lot of time for her, and you may not even be interested. There are other articles about this, so I’m not going to go into it, but the basics are:

1) Your body language/tone has to show you’re not overly invested

2) You should ideally flake once

3) You should speak to her very professionally and/or formally, to make her think you are “feeling her out” and may not even be interested.

Ideally, you should be involved in events/activities. You can invite her to these events and you won’t look needy because you have to be at the event anyway. Another technique is to text her immediately after you meet her and say “It was very nice to meet you Kelly. I’ll call you this week to set up plans.” This creates emotional distance because you are not immediately asking her out, which is technically a rejection. You are making her wait and she has no idea if you ever will ask her out (remember, most dudes in that situation probably immediately ask her out).
A key way to make her feel like she’s on thin ice is to be very formal in your texts (or when you call). Write in complete sentences and use proper punctuation and capitalization. You should always try to sound as formal as possible, using big words and such (without coming off as a pretentious douche). So I will text a girl “Hi Alison it was very nice to meet you. I will call you this week to set up plans.” Being formal has several advantages – for one, it makes you seem more intelligent, confident and valuable than all the other guys who text her things like “sup. u free?” But also, and this is a very sneaky point, it creates a stereotype of professionalism in the girl’s head. People think in stereotypes, and if somebody speaks to you in a formal way you immediately think of the professional world – people in nice suits working hard, people getting shit done, and the possibility of rejection if you don’t measure up. If you text in regular street vernacular (“yo, let’s hang out”), you invoke the stereotype of the lazy stoner on the couch who is probably not doing anything with his life and is probably going to ask you for something. This may sound like a silly point, but you need to remember that the only interaction you are having with this girl is texts (or calling) so your only impression of you is based on these things.
Speaking in a formal way also creates an emotional distance between you and her that lets her know that you’re not going to get invested until she is worth it. I work in a law office and one of the partners I work for speaks in a very formal, almost antiquated manner. Every sentence he speaks sounds like a sentence from a law textbook. Many see his formal style of speaking as weird, but it does make you feel like he is a better lawyer. In addition, his style of speaking creates an emotional distance: when he speaks you get the feeling that, “we are not friends, I’m at work right now.” It makes you almost want to do a better job so that you can break down his barrier of professionalism and get to know the “real” him. One night at a Christmas party he got a little drunk and “loosened” up and it was awesome to get to speak to him in a colloquial way. It was almost like I conquered a challenge. The only time you should lower your level of formality is if the girl’s texts are very informal as well – but even then, you should try to create some emotional distance so you don’t seem too available.
One final point: It’s seduction 101 that if you try to set something up with a girl and she doesn’t respond, or flakes without giving an alternative time, you just next her and don’t look back. I kind of agree, but let me tell you what I do: If I meet a girl under the pretense of “we should go on a date” and she agrees, and then I call her and she bullshits (i.e., doesn’t respond, keeps flaking, etc…), instead of just going silent I text her back something like “ok, well it looks like you aren’t interested. Nice to meet you and moving on!” A lot of guys may see this as desperate or needy, but here is why I do it:

1) It gives me the emotional satisfaction of knowing that I rejected her, not the other way around. Psychologically, it feels better to reject somebody than to be rejected and remember, girls hate rejection. I also psychologically take myself out of the grey zone.

2) I deprive her of the satisfaction of thinking that I’m sitting by my phone waiting for her to call me back.

3) I let her know that I don’t appreciate being put in the grey zone. We are either dating or not. Girls love giving a guy their number, and then putting him in the “grey zone” while they explore other options. Fuck that. I let you know right away that I have a busy life with lots of other girls waiting so I need to know ASAP what’s going on.

4) It gives ME psychological closure.

Like I said, a lot of guys will disagree with this approach. They will say “you need to act like you don’t give a shit, man.” Well, here’s the thing. I DO give a shit. I don’t want to date or her or marry her, but it’s rude to not call somebody back. I also need to know who I’m dating. If she says “I’m not interested,” I won’t give a shit because that’s the nature of the dating game. But if I pick up the phone to call her and she doesn’t respond, then well, she is being rude. Let’s say in the middle of dinner the girls pulls her pants down and takes a shit in your plate. Would you not give a shit? No, you would say something.

I’ve noticed that this tactic actually gets a lot of girls back – they usually text back “oh sorry I’ve been so busy let’s schedule something.” It gives them the impression that you are serious guy with a busy life that doesn’t have the time to take shit from anybody. Suddenly you look at more impressive than the average chump that keeps calling them and trying to hang out.

chemicals

Anxiety is a Chemical

There a lot of “guaranteed” cures for approach anxiety in the PUA world, and very few of these are 100% effective for anybody. Here is my approach: I realize that approach anxiety, or really, any kind of anxiety, is just a chemical made by my brain. In fact, all your emotions are, at the end of the day, just chemicals. And your brain makes those chemicals no matter what, even if the real world doesn’t justify them. And here is the kicker: EVERYBODY HAS THOSE CHEMICALS.

Let me explain.

For most of history, thinkers and writers thought that to be happy, a person had to use their “rational” brain to “control” their “emotions.” An unhappy person is somebody whose dick/stomach/greed/etc… has a mind of its own, whereas a happy person can control their emotions and think “rationally.”

However, recently science has shown that this model is ineffective. It turns out that it is a lot more difficult for the rational brain to control the emotions than previously thought, mostly because of a process known as confabulation. Confabulation is when a person’s emotions subconsciously hijack their rational thoughts, and convince that person to pursue the thing the emotion wants. The most obvious example of confabulation is when a drug addict convinces himself to take another hit of the drug. They’ll think to themselves “just this one time,” or “I’ve been good,” or something else. You can also see confabulation in action when you argue with somebody about something. Even if you are rationally right, you will see the person make stupider and stupider arguments because they don’t want to admit that they are wrong (or that they made a mistake, etc…). In fact, science have shown that intelligent people are actually more prone to cognitive biases than stupid people, because intelligent people are better at coming up with justifications for the fucked up things they want to do. The incredible thing about confabulation is that the reasons made by your brain sound perfectly logical and you have no idea that your brain was hijacked to justify these thoughts. Instead of thinking “I am having irrationally negative thoughts” you honestly think that you are having rational, real thoughts.

Now let’s talk about anxiety.

Anxiety, like your other emotions, has an evolutionary reason. Basically, your brain is constantly making a chemical to make you feel worried and nervous, so that you will be careful in your life. What monkey do you think is more likely to get eaten in the jungle? The monkey with a big stupid grin on his face trying to eat every banana it sees, or the monkey that is constantly paranoid and looking over its shoulder to make that sound it just heard wasn’t a predator or something? Anxiety is necessary so that you sit and think about and analyze suspicious things without just brushing them off. There is no way for your brain to know in advance what kinds of fucked up things it may encounter, so your brain is constantly making this chemical known as “anxiety” to keep you constantly paranoid and worried about the future. As the monkey goes through the world, its brain constantly attaches meaning to that paranoia. Wait! What was that sound? It may have been a predator! Or it may have a rival monkey coming to get my food! Better be careful!

The problem is that while anxiety is good for monkeys to have, it tends to fuck things up for human beings. Human beings have incredibly complex and powerful brains, so our brains can confabulate the anxiety chemical into the most insane worst case scenarios and think the most horrible, irrational, untrue thoughts. If you’ve ever been around somebody with deep depression or anxiety, you know they will say the most insanely irrational negative things ever, like “nobody likes me,” “I’ll never be happy,” “I will always fail,,. etc…” If you’ve ever had really bad oneitis, your scumbag brain has probably attacked you with horrible thoughts like “I will never find anybody else like her,” “I will be alone forever,” “I will never be happy again,” etc… To a rational person these thoughts are just stupid! But… to a person actually feeling that anxiety they make perfect sense because their rational brain has been hijacked by anxiety.

The scariest thing about anxiety is that it doesn’t present itself to you as an irrational emotion, like hunger or sleep. You may sometimes hear people say “I’m being cranky because I’m hungry (or I didn’t have my nap).” But you’ll never hear people say “I am being unnecessarily negative because of my anxiety.” The reason is that your anxiety convinces your brain that shit is actually really fucked up. Worse yet, your brain believes it and creates confabulations to justify the anxiety. This whole process is happening unconsciously, so no what matter explanation you create to battle that anxiety, your brain will create another explanation justifying that anxiety. Fighting anxiety is literally like fighting a shape shifting terminator that changes forms depending on how you attack it.

The worst part about confabulation is that it blows any real threat to you out of proportion. A human being has a limited amount of focus, so your anxiety tries to get all of your attention and completely focus on that thing you are freaking out about, even if its not that important. Let’s say you wanted to approach a pretty girl you saw in a bar. A sensible confabulation for your anxiety would say “Hey, be careful, if you approach that girl she might reject you.” But no, that’s not what your scumbag brain says. Instead, it says “Hey, be careful, if you approach that girl, she might reject you, and then you will feel like a total piece of shit and loser. Everybody around will see her reject you and all the other girls will know that you are a total piece of shit who will never get pussy. All those girls will go home and tell their friends about this fucking douchetard who sucks at getting girls, so no girl in this town will ever fuck you again. Also, somebody will take a picture of the approach and post it on the internet so your friends and family can laugh at you. Also the bouncer will see you fail and ban you from the club. You will die alone in a gutter.” As you can see, AA is totally irrational and out of proportion. The best quote I have ever heard about this is “no thought you are ever having is as important as you think it is.”

Approach anxiety (the type of anxiety I imagine most of you are concerned about) is a form of rejection anxiety. One of the most painful emotions a human being can feel is being rejected by other humans. We are genetically wired from evolution to want to be part of the tribe, and when the tribe rejects us we lose our appetite and start ruminating about what we did wrong. Because our biggest fear is rejection, we literally do anything we can to prevent that emotion. And your brain keeps trying to convince you to NOT approach women because it is worried about feling that sting of rejection. Of course, approach anxiety is stupid. For one, there is a large chance that the girl will want to talk to you, even if she doesn’t “like” you. Secondly, even if she does reject you, so what? There are plenty of other girls in the world. In fact, there are more girls in the world (and even probably your city) than you could ever approach in a thousand lifetimes, so one girl rejecting you literally means nothing. Finally, even if a girl does reject you, that girl may end up liking you later, especially if she is impressed by your confidence and how you took the rejection. But it doesn’t matter – AA is totally irrational – our brains keep creating reasons we shouldn’t approach – “she’s not pretty enough,” “what if she makes a scene and embarrasses me,” “what if she has a boyfriend who will kick my ass,” “what if she starts talking to me and we have nothing to talk about,” “what if she’s a gold digger,” etc…

I don’t know about you, but my brain makes up some really dumb reasons to not approach. I used to avoid approaching girls because I thought “if they see me and I don’t approach them, I will look mysterious and cool.” That, if you haven’t noticed, is a horrible reason to not approach. No matter how cool and mysterious I look, its useless if I don’t ever actually talk to the girls. I would look super cool and mysterious and then that the end of the night we would all go home and I would never see her again. I had a friend once who would avoid approaching girls because no girl was ever hot enough for him. I would point out the hottest girl in the bar and he would say “no, not hot enough.” Of course, when I approached and I was safely enmeshed in a conversation (even with the aforementioned girls that weren’t hot enough for him), he would happily join. One time, he came and stood by me while I was talking to a 2-set, and just to embarrass him I said right in front of the girls “I thought these girls weren’t hot enough for you.”

How does one battle anxiety?

It’s a long hard, process, but as the famous philosopher Baruch Spinoza once said, “the only thing that can defeat an emotion is a stronger emotion.” In modern terms, you can say “the only thing that can defeat a confabulation created by a brain chemical is to create your own story based on a stronger brain chemical.” So while my AA chemical keeps telling me to not approach, I think about how awesome it would be if I succeeded. The strongest emotion a person can have is the feeling of warmth and love that comes from an emotional connection with another person. So I approach because the good feelings that come from an emotional connection are stronger than the sting I would get from a rejection. And as I practice, the less likely I am to get rejected, so the less rejection anxiety I feel. And even when I do get rejected, I realize that it’s not that bad. The world didn’t end, I’m not hungry in the woods. I just move on.

The good news

Here is the good news: EVERYBODY FEELS ANXIETY. Everybody’s brain creates the same amount of that chemical, we just confabulate it differently. No matter how successful or powerful or rich or good looking or famous you are, your brain keeps making that chemical. When something good happens to you, that reason for your anxiety goes away, but your brain comes up with a different reason to feel anxiety, because that chemical is still causing your brain to confabulate explanations for why the world is going to send soon. In fact, some of the most successful/powerful/rich/famous people I have ever met suffer from the most anxiety. Successful people often feel much worse anxiety because their brains come up with more insane confabulations. For example, a college student may feel anxiety because they are worried about their grades. It would be bad if they got bad grades. But somebody like Lady Gaga feels anxiety because she is afraid her next album might bomb and her career will be over. Who do you think feels worse on any given day because of their anxiety: the college student whose worst case scenario is shitty grades, or Lady Gaga, whose worst case scenario is losing her career? Worst yet, a college student can fix their grades by studying and working hard, but Lady Gaga’s success is based on a bunch of shit that she can’t control, which makes her anxiety so much worse. There is a reason so many rich and powerful people are dependent on drugs.

In addition, girls feel anxiety at TWICE THE LEVEL MEN DO. It’s just something in their biology where they make more of that chemical. So you know that super hot girl that you are afraid of approaching because of approach anxiety? Well, she has twice as much anxiety as you do. In fact, girls have so much approach anxiety that society has basically structured itself so that girls never approach men. In a perfect world, girls would love to approach men (that way, they can get the men they actually want, rather than the guy who comes up to them), but the anxiety is just too much.

I have some friends that are really hot girls and they have tons of anxiety. And you would be amazed at how much anxiety they feel about the way they look. I will look at a girl and think “you are the hottest girl in this club” but in her head she is comparing herself to everybody else, and thinking she is ugly, even when she isn’t. Why? Because even though she is pretty, her brain is still making that chemical called anxiety.

Confidence

Women (and men) are attracted to confidence for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is this: all human beings are tormented by this terrible chemical known as anxiety, and it makes you feel good to be around somebody who doesn’t have this chemical (or has it under control). When I walk into a club, I feel anxiety, but I know that that anxiety is an irrational emotion coming from a stupid chemical. I ignore that chemical and act like my brain doesn’t make it. At first, people are taken aback by my demeanor because I am acting strangely (anybody would act strangely if their brain didn’t make any anxiety). But when they see that I truly am acting like a normal, awesome person with no anxiety, they are intrigued and excited. People think that if they hang around me, somehow maybe they can become like me and also lose their anxiety. They don’t know that I have just as much anxiety as they do, I just hide it because I know it’s just a chemical.

ufc

7 things you need to start doing NOW

The most successful people are those that divide their live up into chapters, so starting 2014 you guys should start making changes in your life.

1) Get good at beating people up – Ok, ok, ok. I know I sound like alpha male douchebag meathead asshole here, but the fact is that evolution has programmed women to be biologically attracted to the alpha male of the tribe. And the alpha male is essentially the ape that dominates the other apes because he can kick their ass. In our modern society men no longer struggle for dominance by fighting, but a “good-looking” guy to women is still just a man who can fight well. A lot of guys suggest lifting to become more attractive and confident, and that is partly true, but lifting doesn’t get you all the way there. Women are attracted to lean, fit, athletic men that are also physically imposing – and the best way to develop these traits is by engaging in some type of combat sport like boxing or MMA. A lot of guys just focus on lifting and develop freakishly large muscles that are often useless and out of proportion to the rest of their bodies. These guys can successfully attract some girls, but eventually the girls’ biology will tell her that he is not exactly what she is looking for. In essence, Navy SEALs or cagefighters are more attractive than bodybuilders.

Here is the good news – a lot of guys whine that they are “ugly.” That is not logically possible – if you are alive in 2013 that means that for the past 100,000 years of human history there has been a woman in every generation that wanted to fuck somebody with your genes and have his baby. So, you are not genetically broken (unless you have some huge deformity). Your real problem is probably that you are not athletic enough. If you lift and get good at fighting you can become “good looking.”

Another advantage of getting good at beating people up is that your confidence increases. I’m not saying you should fight anybody – you definitely shouldn’t fight anybody outside of a controlled environment – but being good at fighting causes a chemical reaction in your brain that causes you to SEE YOURSELF as the alpha male. You’ll feel less intimidated by other guys and you will feel healthier and more energetic. But once again – DON’T FIGHT OR THREATEN PEOPLE – that’s just douchy.

2) Dress like a CEO – When I say “dress like a CEO” I don’t mean “wear business suits and drab clothing all the time.” I mean “dress like you run shit and/or own the place.” What place? Wherever you are going. If you go to clubs a lot, dress like you own the club. If you go to the beach a lot, dress like a champion surfer. If you’re a hippy, dress like the king of the hippies (or the CEO of the hippie company). Whatever you do, make it clear that you are the best version of that aesthetically. If you don’t know how a CEO dresses, find yourself a male fashion role model. Personally, I like to model my style after Rameet Chalwa, the CEO of Fueled, but you can do whatever you want. http://stylelikeu.com/profiles-2/closets/rameet-chawla/

Another important aspect of looking like a CEO is that you should always be neatly groomed (even if you have a beard), “clean” and hygienic. You should also talk and act like a CEO.

3) Do something creative or artistic – I can’t think of anything better at helping your game than doing something creative. It helps you spiritually, emotionally, and it is meditative, because you can focus all your thoughts and emotions on one thing. I am a high-powered lawyer at one of the best law firms in America, and I also do stand up comedy on the side. Even though I work at a very prestigious firm with some of the best companies in the world, and I am basically a nobody as far as comedy goes, I find girls (even professional women) are much more interested in my comedy than my job. When I brag about my legal accomplishments, I sound like a douche, but when I brag about my comedy accomplishments (like opening for somebody famous) they love it. Doing something artistic also plugs you into your local city’s art scene, which means you will meet lots of girls and you will always have something fun to do at night. Plus, I never need to ask a girl on a date ever again – I can just invite them to one of my shows.

Now, you are probably scared of doing something artistic because you will say “oh I suck” or “I have no talent.” Here’s the thing – we live in a very judgmental, critical, “hater” culture where talentless fucks who have never done anything spend all day on the internet judging and criticizing people that are putting themselves out there. You need to not give a fuck and just do it. Even though I am a pretty good comedian (I have been on TV a few times and opened for famous people) people are still most impressed that I even have the courage to get up there in front of people and expose myself to judgment rather than the quality of my material. To get girls you have to not give a fuck, and nothing shows that more by making art, even if you know it will be bad. And if you are truly ashamed of how bad it is – just don’t show anybody! If a girl asks to see it just say “my art is very personal to me and I’d rather not show anybody” – what is more mysterious than that? And here is the thing: YOU WILL BECOME GOOD. One of the lies we are fed in our society is that some people have this magical thing called “talent” that you are born with. That’s horseshit – there is no such thing as talent. All great artists are great because they worked hard, and you are no exception. If you spent two hours a week on your art by the end of the year you will be decent and after 3 years you will be amazing.

4) Engage in some kind of spiritual practice – Here is the one thing nobody in the PUA community wants to talk about: The emotions of sex, love, attachment, anxiety and rejection are some of the most insanely strong emotions a human being can experience and you are lowering yourself into an emotional sharkpit by doing PUA. In fact, I would say that most people that are stuck in shitty relationships are afraid to leave because they can’t bear the thought of exposing themselves to rejection and awkward social situations. Because PUA elicits such strong emotions, you need some kind of spiritual practice in your life OR YOU WILL GO CRAZY. You need something like prayer, meditation, chanting or other practices to ground you, give you hope, and help you control your crazy emotions that are hired-wired into your biology through thousands of years of evolution. On top of that you need to create for yourself a good circle of friends, family, and social activities to keep you feeling loved and active and positive. I would personally advise you to not become “religious” but to pick bits and pieces from various philosophies that suit you the best.

PUA artists always dismiss the strength of emotions and say banal things like “man the fuck up” or “just go out and meet more chicks, bro.” But the reality is that oneitis regularly ruins people’s lives. I don’t care who you are – you know at least one guy who has had his life ruined by a woman. And you are not immune to that just because you are in the PUA community and you read Models by Mark Manson. You need to figure out a way of controlling your emotions or you will go nuts. A lot of guys are wary of dating “sluts” – this is because oftentimes a woman who goes through lots of different relationships in a short time sometimes loses control of her emotions and becomes prone to mood swings and erratic behavior (not to mention depression and anxiety). That is no different from men – if you keep exposing your heart and getting rejected you may end up going off the rails.

5) Start making your life awesome – My mom is really big into nutrition and dieting and she told me a very important thing once. She said that if you want to cut shitty foods out of your diet, you don’t say to yourself “I am no longer going to eat X shitty food” – it never works. Instead, you should say to yourself “From now on, I am going to eat more Y good food.” You see, it is very hard for you to repress your emotions or deny yourself the things you want – but what you CAN do is to replace those shitty things with good things. If you are doing awesome stuff in your life, you will naturally forget about the shitty things you used to want. The best way to become outcome independent is to have so much awesome stuff going on in your life that it no longer matters to how you how a particular girl treated you. Your life should be awesome from the moment you wake up to the moment you go back to bed. Even if your job sucks, find a way to make it awesome. If you work at McDonald’s become the best damn fry cook McDonald’s has ever seen and make it fun for yourself. If you engage in activities that make you feel depressed or make you think about shitty things then stop doing them and replace them with awesome things.

6) Listen to music that FUCKING ROCKS – In my humble opinion, the best way for a man to unleash his “alpha” emotions is to listen to some hard rock, like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, tool, or 80’s metal. There is nothing more manly than that. You may prefer Hip Hop or electronic or something but it’s not the same. If you don’t understand the appeal of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr8-E8may2Y., keep listening to it until you understand the emotion behind it and let it wash over you. This song is a religious experience and if you commune with it you will enter a new phase of alphaness. Henry Rollins was right – the best way to get over oneitis is to listen to some blistering hard rock.

7) Start creating good habits – It takes about 60 days for a habit to form. Starting January 1, start a new habit every month. It can be something tiny, like drinking a glass of water right when you wake up. Just make sure the habit is unbreakable and you do it every day. This was you become more disciplined and confident. You can then move on to bigger and better habits.

lazy woman

How Women Think and BLAH

[Disclaimer: Some of the thoughts in this post may be interpreted by certain people as misogynistic. I did not intend it that way. I don't really believe this stuff, nor I am sure its true. It's just a thought experiment to get people thinking and hopefully to receive some feedback.]

A lot of us beat ourselves up trying to figure out what is going on in women’s heads. Well, here is my theory: women think like me on a lazy Sunday. Here’s why:

I work my fucking ass off during the week so I am always looking forward to my days off on Saturday and Sunday. I always have grand plans for my days off: I am going to go to the gym, I am going to a nice Chinese restaurant, I am going to run errands, I am going to start guitar lessons, etc… But when Saturday and Sunday actually arrive I always end up wasting those days like a lazy piece of shit. I sleep till noon, I waste a couple hours on reddit, I take some bong hits, watch some TV, go back to bed, etc… By the end of the day, I realized I haven’t done anything that I had planned on doing and I end up hating myself and feeling awfull. Remember how I wanted to go to a nice Chinese restaurant? Well, spent half an hour trying to decide to go to the really good Chinese restaurant 30 minutes away or the kind of good one 5 minutes away. Remember how I said I wanted to go to the gym? Well was on my way out the door and noticed my apartment was a bit messy – and I stopped to clean a little bit, then decided I should be high to clean, and the next thing you know I’m masturbating and taking a nap. My emotion on Saturday and Sunday can be summed up in one word: BLAH. BLAH is aimless, directionless, spiritually empty, sad, boring, stupid, and unsatisfying. And there is always an element of fear in BLAH – what if I suck at guitar? What if the restaurant isn’t worth it? What if I feel like shit after the gym? It’s safer and feels better to just lie in bed. BLAH is like masturbation, it feels good when you’re doing it but you later realize you fucked yourself and you always regret living your life in BLAH. Of course I regret wasting my weekend – I wish I had gone to those guitar lessons, the gym, etc…

I tried to find out why I was so disciplined and productive during the workweek but such a lazy piece of shit on the weekends. I think I figured it out: The main reason I waste my weekend, however, is that there is nothing that I am PASSIONATE about to do on the weekend. During the week I forced to be productive because I am scared I will lose my job. Meanwhile, on the weekend I have nobody forcing me to do anything so I get lazy. I also have so many options of things to do that I get paralysis analysis and do nothing because none of those things sound as good as just getting high and watching TV. I have no higher passions so I indulge my lower emotions, like food, masturbation, sleep, and reddit. But if I had something I was PASSIONATE about I would get off my ass and do it. I could focus on one important thing rather than having to choose between the 30 minor things I promised myself I would do during the week.

My friend bought a jetski and called me one day and said “Dude, we’re going jetskiing Saturday at 8AM. Come out!” I’ve always wanted to go jetskiing, but I told him “I don’t know man, I usually sleep till noon on Saturdays, it’s my day off.” My friend went ballistic, telling me how jetskiing was awesome and accusing me of being lazy. Because he really liked jetskiing I decided to try it out. I figured it would either be awesome, or I could make fun of him for liking something lame. But I was dreading getting out of bed and going there: I had never jetskied before, I didn’t know who would be there, I would have to drive 30 minutes to the beach at the asscrack of dawn, I would have to hang out in the scorching sun when I could be napping and playing on reddit, etc… I wasn’t looking forward to it. But when I got there I had the most awesome fucking time ever! The beach was awesome, jetskiing was fun, I had a great time hanging out with my friends, and I got a workout. I felt like an idiot for even thinking about staying home. To top it off, it was easy: my friend brought the jetskis, he taught me how to do everything, and I knew that they would go with or without me so there was no pressure. It’s embarrassing, but I literally got “alphaed” into jetskiing by my friend. I started going every weekend, until I realized I needed to motivate myself and find my own passion.

What’s the point of this story? It’s this: I think women have that BLAH feeling I have on weekend all the time! And they are looking for a man with motivation and passion to take them out of that feeling. Women are inherently a sea of conflicting emotions tossing them through and fro, but none of those emotions are strong enough for women to act on and be passionate about. So that’s why women end up feeling BLAH all the time and satisfy themselves with frivolous things, like jewelry and clothes, when they would rather be doing cool shit. Women like the same shit men like – they just don’t have the same killer instinct to pursue them like men do.


Now you may be asking: why are men able to passionate but not women? Well, I think that men and women are the exact same in most ways, but the difference is that men are born with a sense of competition that women don’t have. This has been proven in studies – men are biologically driven to compete and try to dominate other men. Men’s sense of competition is what drives them to be passionate about various things (sports, art, etc…) because subconsciously they are trying to compete with other men and dominate them. Women do not have this same competitive drive so they are less likely to lose themselves in an otherwise meaningless discipline (i.e., basketball, work). Women work hardest when they are taking orders or trying to fit in. Women are rarely leaders – they are more often followers. If you look at the history of art, literature, music, science, you see that women are rarely innovators or trailblazers – they do best working in a preexisting framework with authority from above. I also think this is where the idea that women are “submissive” comes from.

What does this mean for PUA? It means that women are constantly suffering from this BLAH emotion and need a man to pull them out of it – a man who preferably is passionate about various things and seeks to dominate and conquer the world and everybody in it. Women hate being stuck in BLAH and realize that the things they like (decorating, clothes, shopping) are frivolous and generally only shit you do when you feel BLAH. Women also need a man to take control and have some direction, because their own lives (“oh my god that’s a cute outfit!”) are directionless and unsatisfying. A woman is like a fat old man who loves the Chicago Bulls – he knows he can never be Michael Jordan or even play basketball but he likes to live vicariously through Michael Jordan and feel his passion and power. That’s why women love musicians – musicians are totally and completely passionate about something that IS NOT WOMEN. Women love music, but many of them are too lazy, fearful, or anxious to make good music – hence they must live through musicians.

Most importantly, the woman needs the man to be passionate about something OTHER THAN HER. If the man directs all his thoughts and emotions towards her, then his passion is HER, and therefore his passion is BLAH, and women HATE BLAH. The whole point of finding a man is to avoid BLAH, but when the man supplicates and acts needy, the woman is back at BLAH. And BLAH feels awful. When a woman asks “where are we going to have dinner” and the man answers “I don’t know, I don’t really care, where do you want to go” the women feels that creepy, icky emotion of BLAH coming back and immediately starts to lose interest. Now she is no longer on the beach jetskiing, but in her bed trying to decide if its worth going to the bathroom or trying to back to bed. She knows what BLAH is, she lives in BLAH, and she doesn’t want any BLAH from you. Of course, this is irrational – a truly passionate alpha male wouldn’t care about where he eats dinner because he has sights on bigger and better things. But women are constantly trapped in a prison of BLAH and they want any excuse whatsoever to get out of it. A man has to prove to a woman that he will fight BLAH at every corner and consistently provide something fun, exciting, spiritually uplifting and meaningful to do.

So where do shit-tests come in? Well, to start, I lied about women hating BLAH. Women don’t hate BLAH – there is something oddly comforting and soothing about BLAH. Getting high and watching TV isn’t your best option, but like I said, it still feels better than a lot of other shit. So women are always looking for something better than BLAH, but they want to make sure that its worth getting out of bed to go jetskiing. That’s why they shit-test: a shit test is essentially a situation where a woman presents you with BLAH and sees if you take it. If you take it, then she knows you are full of shit and it wasn’t worth getting out of bed for you because she could have had BLAH at home. Imagine if I took my laptop to the beach and said to my friend “Hey guys, I found this really cool website called reddit, you guys want to look at AdviceAnimals for a while?” If my friend agreed to play on reddit instead of jetskiing, then I would know that BLAH was better than jetskiing and therefore I wasted my time getting out of bed and driving all the way to come jetskiing. But if my friend played the alpha and said “fuck no, dude, we’re not playing on reddit, we’re jetskiing” then I know that reddit is a pathetic, stupid thing compared to the awesomeness of jetskiing and I would be happy with my decision to drive all the way to jetski. And that’s what women want to hear – they want to hear that their little shit tests are pathetic and stupid compared to the awesomeness of what you are selling.

How does this explain flaking? Easy – you didn’t offer her anything better than BLAH. You were somewhat exciting, I guess, to get her number, but not exciting enough to make her get out of bed. Yes, it’s extremely rude and disrespectful to flake on somebody but to her you are just another thing in her universe of BLAH that hasn’t stood out. She’s trying to decide between going back to sleep and watching TV (you are TV) and she chose going back to bed.

Creep shaming and Approaching

One of the biggest obstacles guys face in approaching is the fear of “creep shaming” – the fear that not only will they be rejected, but the girl will do it in a bitchy, demeaning way that makes them feel like a creep or a loser. This fear is at its highest when the girl is extremely attractive and surrounded by guys that are trying to hit on her (i.e., she has high value). The fear is understandable – even if somebody is mean to you for a totally irrational reason, you still feel bad – it’s in your genes to feel sick to your stomach when you experience rejection and get embarrassed. In fact, in ancient times Jewish rabbis used to say that embarrassing somebody was just as bad as murder. So it makes sense to be afraid of creep shaming.

Just do this:
1) Don’t be creepy
2) Don’t give a fuck if you’re being creep shamed (if you’re not being creepy).

There are 3 reasons that women “creep shame” men that approach them.

1) The guy is actually being a creep. Pretty simple. If the guy is super-wasted, gets too touchy, or says something inappropriate the girl has a right to be offended and creep shame the guy.

2) Some women are mean and like to make people feel inferior to them. A girl that is mean to a random guy making a non-creepy approach is insecure and narcissistic and you should feel bad for her for being such a soulless, miserable person. Think about it – why would anybody be mean to a nice, random person that tried to talk to them unless they were horribly insecure and hated themselves? There are famous celebrities that are constantly getting approached by EVERYBODY – old, young, rich, poor, man, woman – and most of those people are super nice. I approached Justin Timberlake once and talked to him a mall – he was super nice and we had a nice conversation. If Justin Timberlake can be nice to a random guy who are approaching him to tell him he’s a great singer, then what gives some average looking girl at a club the right to mean to a guy that is coming to tell her she’s pretty?

3) The third reason women creep shame guys at the club, and by far the most common, is that they are constantly getting approached in lame ways and they are tired of it. Pretty girls are constantly getting semi-approached, which looks unconfident, weird or creepy.

A semi-approach is when a guy isn’t confident and doesn’t make his intentions completely clear. A full approach is when a man approaches and says “Hi, I think you’re cute, my name is X” – letting her know exactly what the deal is. A semi-approach is anything less than that. For example, guy will sidle up next to a girl and look at her for a while before saying anything, or maybe he will come up to her and say some weird bullshit. He might try to butt into her conversation. He might try to make some fake chit chat like “oh do you come here often”? Semi-approaches work on average looking girls because they are just happy a guy is talking to them, but they don’t work for really pretty girls because pretty girls are constantly getting semi-approached and they want the real deal. A semi-approach is annoying and puts a lot of pressure on the girl because the girl has to figure out if you are actually interested in her or if you’re just fucking around. It puts the burden of the conversation on her because you came up to her talking about Milli Vanilla’s new album so now she doesn’t know what the fuck to say. Another problem with semi-approaches is that most men lose their nerve halfway into a semi-approach and they end up leaving the girl, so a girl that gets “semi-approached” really has no idea that you like her if you semi-approach her. PUA artists often say “approach pretty girls the same way you would approach any girl” but I disagree – I think there is less margin for error when it comes to really pretty girls. Semi-approaches mean nothing to pretty girls because they get them so much.

They key to approaching a really pretty girl with a high bitch shield is to make a full approach with complete confidence and sincerity. Look into her eyes, speak clearly, confidently, intelligently, and passionately. Give her a genuine compliment that you honestly believe and make it clear that you want to date her. Don’t be nervous, ramble, or be drunk. Most guys are intimidated by pretty girls so they never make the full approach – they either make a semi-approach or none at all. They think that the girl isn’t going to say “yes” if they ask her on a date, so they semi-approach and try to “work their way up” to asking her out. This doesn’t work – the girl either likes you or she doesn’t (she probably doesn’t, if she’s super hot) but if you’re gonna approach you might as well go all out. The challenge here is to take yourself out of girl’s frame or the “mood of the club” and look at things objectively – remember, reality trumps appearance.

Once again, it’s understandable that men are afraid of full approaches. Super pretty girls in a club often give off vibes of “I’m too good for all the guys here, I’m so hot” which scares and intimidates men from doing the full approach. There is literally nothing in their body language, eye contact, or behavior that indicates that they want to be approached. But if you do a very confident approach she has to reassess the situation and compare you against all the loser guys she has in her life and all the other chumps who try to approach her every night. And when she makes that comparison you come out on top – because 99% of guys are afraid to do a full approach on a girl they don’t know.

Ok, but you may be asking “what if I get creep-shamed?” My answer: SO WHAT?

Here’s an important lesson that you need to learn, not just for PUA, but for life: People will try to manipulate you in all different kinds of ways and try to make you feel inferior, stupid, creepy, etc… But deep down in their soul, they know the truth. If you act correctly and appropriately people are bound to respect that.

If you walk up to a woman and make a full, confident approach with no ulterior motives or creepiness, and she chooses to say something disrespectful or creep shame you, LET HER. It’s her choice to be a jerk, but you shouldn’t give a fuck because you know you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a normal thing in 2013 for a man to approach a woman in a bar. It’s also normal for men to hit on women in bars and try to have sex with them. If she didn’t want that to happen to her, she should’ve gone to church. When I approach a girl I sometimes imagine that I own the bar and I can throw her out for being rude to me – I actually saw the owner of a club throw a girl out once after he tried to talk to her and she was mean to him. As long as you didn’t say or do anything creepy, you didn’t do anything wrong. THE RULES OF SOCIETY ARE ON YOUR SIDE. Its not her obligation to talk to you or have sex with you, but minimal human etiquette demands that you not be a jerk to people. If she is a jerk, then she’s a jerk – her problem. If she creep-shames you, you shouldn’t even get angry or say anything mean – you should just laugh it off and feel bad for her. If you went up to a cashier at a department store and asked her to buy some pants and she called you creepy, you wouldn’t yell at her or get angry, you would just be like “oh this girl is mentally ill. She has problems.”

Now here’s the thing: WOMEN KNOW THIS. Deep down in their heart, they know that you’re not being creepy if you confidently approach. They know they are irrationally creep-shaming you to make themselves feel superior or cool. In fact, anybody that does anything wrong knows what they are doing. Women know right from wrong and just like a naughty child that knows what they are doing is wrong, women know what they are doing is wrong when they creep shame or otherwise act irrationally rude to men.

Women know they are full of shit when they creep shame but they do it anyway because AFC men take it to heart and validate their creep shaming. The reason creep shaming works is that men slink away in shame after getting rejected, or say something stupid or angry (and therefore creepy), making the creep shaming a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you approach confidently, smile, and then don’t act fazed when you get rejected, she has no choice but to respect you. And she will remember your reaction and have to admit that you are the badass. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually she will. And even if she doesn’t, who cares? – you know you didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t let some drunk jerk at a bar make you feel inferior or creepy for doing something that is completely fucking normal in our society.

I have had plenty of times where I approached the hottest girl in the club with complete confidence and sincerity. Sometimes I get their number and set up dates, sometimes the conversation fizzles out, and sometimes they rudely and dismissively reject me, and even creep shame me. It doesn’t affect me either way because I’m always the same person and I’m always acting appropriately. One time I approached a really pretty girl (who gets approached a lot) and she immediately went to try to “sic” her boyfriend on me for even trying to talk to her. When he came up to me, I just said “I didn’t know she had a boyfriend, so I don’t know why you’re mad at me.” He backed off. She was being a jerk, but her boyfriend (and everybody else around in the club) knew that she was being a jerk and he would look like a huge douche for trying to fight me for approaching her. Remember, the rules of society are on your side.

When women irrationally creep shame men, they want to feel like they are superior to that particular man. But there are 3 people in that transaction – her, me, and everybody else. If I don’t act fazed by her creep shaming, then she can’t feel superior to me because she sees I’m not affected by it. As to her, she knows that I didn‘t do anything creepy or wrong so she can’t really feel superior – in fact, she is insulting herself more than me by acting like approaching her is something bad. As for everybody else, they all saw how I acted and how she acted, and they all know I was in the right. If she goes around to tell people how “creepy” I was, she is just going to sound like an idiot. Can you imagine how you’d react if a girl walked up to you and said “OMG this totally creepy guy just walked up to me and said that I was pretty and he’d like to get to know me – OMG what a creep, right?” You would probably think “that guy actually sounds pretty cool, you’re the jerk.” If you were a beta-orbiter or one of her similarly insecure and narcissistic friends, you may agree with her verbally, but deep in your heart you still know she was the jerk.

Now here’s the thing: even when I get rejected and creep-shamed, the girl knows in the back of her mind that I approached her confidently and intelligently. I probably will never see her again, but when I do, she is oftentimes much more nice. She knows that, from a logical point of view, I approached about as confidently and honestly as was possible. I have been “rejected” by many girls (sometimes in really mean ways) only to have the same girl come crawling back later and acknowledge my alpha-ness.

One night I went to a club full of dudes and only a few girls. One super hot girl was on the bar dancing and literally every guy was looking at her. She was getting semi-approached every 10 minutes and rejecting every single guy – it looked like she was just at the bar looking to dance and not meet guys. Most of the semi-approaches were so pathetic – guys would try to sidle up to her and dance without asking, others would come up to her and say something stupid, etc… One guy just stood next to the bar for 10 minutes and kept motioning her to come down so he could talk to her. Ewww. Most guys after seeing this would be intimidated and scared to approach the girl, but I decided to go for the challenge. Knowing 100% that she would reject me too, I walked up to her and said “Hey I noticed you dancing on the bar. You are very pretty and a very good dancer. I am also impressed at how you rejected all those guys” – meanwhile my heart was pounding and I was nervous because I had seen her reject every other guy. She was still in defensive “bitch shield” mode from all the guys that were hassling her, but she was nice to me and we had a nice conversation for about 15 minutes. I felt the conversation fizzling out (and I was super nervous) so I just said “well I feel like this conversation is fizzling out, so I’m going to move on. Nice to meet you.”

A couple of weeks later, I see the same girl at a different club. Same story, she is on the dance floor dancing sexy, and tons of guys are oogling her and making semi-approaches and she is rejecting them all like a machine gun. This time, I catch her eye and she approaches ME and says “remember me from the other club”? I say yes, but I didn’t think she liked me so I just said “Oh yeah, nice to see you again” and I walked away. Later that night, she approached me AGAIN and struck up a conversation. Long story short, I got her # and we went on a few dates. Why would she approach me? There was nothing special about me, and I’m not particularly attractive, but I stood out in her mind as the one guy who had the balls to give her a real approach as opposed to all the other losers. Just the mere fact that I did a full approach gave me high-value status. It also makes the girl more comfortable around me because I was the only one that was actually honest with her and it shows that I am unashamed of my urges and I am not going to do anything creepy.

This is a good song about a guy who approaches a girl, gets rejected, but then she comes around: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnPviDQDzzs

From my blog: http://www.playersjourney.net
Follow me on twitter: @playersjourney

How to accomplish any goal (or get good at anything)

To accomplish anything (or get good at anything), you must follow 4 steps which are going to sound very simple but actually are very difficult and complicated. The 4 steps are:

1) Figure out exactly what you have to do to accomplish that goal. Break it up into tasks. Make a list (either in your head or on paper).
2) Break up the tasks from step #2 into smaller and smaller tasks until they are the type of task you know how to accomplish.
3) Structure your life and relationships so that you have the time and capability to accomplish the tasks in #3.
4) Do the tasks in #3.

This list is recursive, which means that you do not accomplish them in order. For example, you may have to go back to step #1 occasionally and revise your list of what you have to do to accomplish your goal when you get more information.

Let me describe the steps in detail.

1) Figure out exactly what you have to do to accomplish that goal. – This is actually a lot harder than it sounds. Most people simply do not want to accept that they have to do X, Y, and Z things to achieve a certain goal. People want to do what they want to do, and oftentimes ignore the unpleasant tasks they have to accomplish to become successful. You have to break this delusion and be completely honest about what needs to be done to accomplish your goal. For example, let’s say your dream is to become a champion MMA fighter. A guy might say, well, I’ll just practice MMA and lift weights. But that may not be enough – he may also have to alter his diet, engage in some other types of disciplines he finds unpleasant (conditioning, stretching, etc…). I would say that this is literally the hardest step for most people because people simply do not want to accept that the goal they want to accomplish is harder and more complicated than it looks at first. Oftentimes to achieve goal X you may have to do things that you would have never imagined or foreseen that you had to do. There may be tasks that are absolutely boring, horrible, or completely tangential to your main goal, but they must be done anyway. People are often irrationally optimistic (this has been proven in scientific studies) and this often manifests itself by people only focusing on the fun or glamorous parts of achieving their goal.

One of the most pernicious myths in our society is that people should do “what makes them happy.” But what does it mean to be “happy”? If by “happy” you mean that you feel good about going to work every day and you generally enjoy what you do, then may not be able to achieve your goals. For many goals, you may have to spend long stretches of time doing things you find extremely unpleasant, boring, and gross. Being a stand up comedian looks like an ideal job, but much of what they do is horrible – traveling to random cities every weekend, dealing with rude and awful crowds, dealing with agents and other industry types, etc… In fact, many very “successful” people are unhappy, and you may have to make the choice as to whether you’d rather be “happy” or achieve certain goals. Nowadays more and more people are choosing the “happy” route, but I would rather achieve my goals – I would rather deal with long stretches of “unhappiness” and then feel the crowning glory of achieving my goal rather than to have a daily, mediocre “happiness.”

How can one determine what tasks have to be accomplished to achieve that goal? Some of them will be obvious, but others less so. The way to make this list is to examine somebody who has already been successful at this task and look at what they did. Some of what they did may not be applicable to you, but most of it probably will. And you have to resist the urge to rationalize why you don’t need to do X, Y, and Z thing to achieve your goal.

2) Break up the tasks from step #1 into smaller and smaller tasks until they are the type of task you know how to accomplish. Oftentimes when you make a list of tasks that you have to accomplish, it sounds too daunting and intimidating at first. For example, going back to our MMA example, let’s say one of the things our practitioner needs to do is get good at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Well, that’s a pretty big goal and we may not know how to get good at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu or even where to start. To provide a starting point, we have to break that bigger task (get good at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) into smaller tasks that we know how to accomplish. Here are some potential smaller tasks: 1) Take a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class 2) watch Jiu-Jitsu DVDs, 3) do exercises specific to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. So now you have taken a goal that sounded unattainable and you have made it a lot more realistic. No matter how lofty your goal is (to become President of the United States, become a famous movie star), at the end of the day all it is a series of small steps that must be accomplished. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and intimidated by the things you have to do, break it up into smaller and smaller tasks and accomplish those baby steps.

3) Structure your life and relationships so that you have the time and capability to accomplish the tasks in #2. One of the hardest things about accomplishing any goal is understanding that you may have to make serious sacrifices and radical changes to your life, relationships, mindset, etc… to achieve a goal. You need to set aside the time, energy and mental focus to do all the tasks in #2. In fact, I would say that the main thing that stops people from achieving their goals is not that they aren’t ambitious or hard-working enough, but that they do not live the kind of life that would allow them to achieve their goals. A lot of people want to be “artists,” for example, but they can’t handle the pressure of having to have a boring day job so they can support their artistic lifestyle. Our MMA guy may have to stop eating certain foods, stop drinking, stop staying out late, etc… You may also have to cut out certain people from your life that are toxic or radically change your habits. One of the main myths in our society is that one can “have it all” – a satisfying career, children, fun hobbies, etc… But that may not be true for the goal you are seeking to accomplish. There are certain careers that require so many hours that you may not be able to have children. You may have to quit dating for a while, live poor, etc…

4) Do the tasks in #2. This is actually the easiest step – once you know what you have to do, you have structured your life to give you the time and capability to accomplish the tasks, and are well-fed and rested, the its easy to just do it. The thing that holds many people back is that they feel anxiety because of the gravity of the goals they want to accomplish so they get paralyzed and do nothing. But once you have a list of small things to do, you can just start doing them and building momentum.

Love is a battlefield … use these weapons for your journey